Unwanted and unneeded stress!

Adaka perkataan 'unneeded' ya? Wujud ka? Ntahla. Mlm tok aku mls mk tls lam English. Skali-skala, xhal la..

Td aku ngga profile pic sorg miak d FB. Pasya ttgk cgek gamba len gk. Siap ngn komen2 kat sia. Ntah phl la miak ya. Kali nya ya sngaja mk polah aku skt ati kot.. Haruska ngkah gmba ya jd profile pic? That pic should nvr been uploaded in the first place. Nah, ckp lam English lg da. Nang manas la aku tok.. Bangga glk la ko ada gamba cmya? Xpelu nak ngeso ngn suma org bh. Taukla family ko sporting, xkesah apa2. Igt family gerek ko mcm ya juak? Gerek ko xpdh apa2 bknnya maksud nya suka ko ngkah gamba cmya kat FB ko. Tp nya diam sbb tkt ko kecik ati lak.


Ataupun sbnrnya gerek ko ya pun suka juak kali. Ya nya reply juak komen kat gamba ko ya. Haih. Aku xphmla.. Nya da xkesah ka mun ada family member or kwn parents nya tgk gamba n komen ya? Aku gk bengong pike sal ya. Aku nang bna2 bharap ada family member gerek ko ngga gamba ya. Mun xpun, kwn2 parents gerek ko. Dpt cdak pdh ngn parents gerek ko. Kali ya yg dmaok ko and gerek ko ya nak? Fine. Trskan upload gamba2 mcm ya n komen2 n tls bnda pelik2 kat wall gerek ko. Klk aku blh tlg tag gamba2 ya suma. Aku bait hati bh. Mok tlg ko spread the happy news. Ya yg ko mok kan? N gerek ko juak kan? Mok suma org tauk ya gerek ko. As if you're saying HANDS OFF! Whatever... Aku mk ngga cmne ko lak bla gerek ko dlarang dr jumpa ko. Bodo kali nak? Xpande pike. Pelik2..

Kali aku ptt delete jak ko dr FB list aku. Phl aku xdelete2 gk pun aku heran. Lekak apa ko plh kat aku riya, aku ptt delete trs. Bodo kali aku tok nak? Haih. Stress bh aku oleh ko tok. Sengaja kali nak ko plh aku cmtk... Btw, ko sdr x smthg. Cb pg ngga gamba2 kat FB gerek ko ya. Ada ko ngga gamba ko? Lgsg xda.. Ko xrasa pelik ka? Ya mksdnya gerek ko bhati2. Xmk dak family nya tauk, bodo. Mun x, da lmk da nya ngkah gamba ktk 2 bmesra2. Ya pun xphm. Ko pulak g post gamba skati. Sah xpande pike. Tp yg aku xphm, gerek ko mcm mok diam2 tp msh juak g komen mcm ya kat gamba ktk 2. Haih. Mknla aku bengong. Xku phm eh!

Dala2. Mkn ku klaka, mkn stress jadi aku tok. Ko nang salu plh mood ku xbgs. Knkla insan ya bodo glk g bckp ngn ko masa dinner riya owh? Haih. Geram aku. Dala. Buang masa aku jak. Lbh bait aku bpura2 happy, sak org sekeliling aku pun happy juak. No thanks to u.

Nite.

Bad dreams..

Hello.

Woke up around 5. Had a bad dream again. Now I can't sleep. *sigh* These past few weeks, I've been having unpleasant dreams. Don't know why.

It started with dreams about this certain person, always end up dying in front of me. If not, it'd be about this person disappearing. No matter how hard I try to search, I'm never able to find this person.. Then a few weeks ago, I dreamt about my best friends from high school getting burnt alive while trying to escape our burning hostel. I was the only one that managed to climb over the fence in time with a person I don't know. Woke up crying. The image of my friends burning still haunts me.. Guess I just miss all of them so much. It's been 6 years since I last saw any of them..

Then yesterday, I dreamt of myself dying in a fire from a car crash. Argh! Woke up with my heart beating so fast.. When I've calmed down and went back to sleep, had another dream again. Dreamt I was being blackmailed. *sigh* Why oh why?

And this morning, the reason for me waking up so early is because I dreamt of this person again, falling off a clift. When the rescue team arrived, there was no trace at all of that person and after awhile, everyone gave up. But I did not. And guess what? I found the body. Horrible image. :'(

Why do I keep on having dreams like this? Something must be wrong with me..

Let love lead the way?

Upon thinking on what would be ideal as the topic for this post, the chorus for Let Love Lead the Way popped up in my mind. Maybe that's coz its what I'm feeling right now. *sigh* After the incident with the psychotic gf, my self-esteem seems to have dropped even further. It's no longer zero, but now has the -ve sign in front. I don't know why it affects me badly, but I feel so demoralized. I'm not sure if thats the right word for me to use. Maybe its a little too exaggerating..

Had a picnic earlier on today. Had a great time. Well, almost... I mean, things were going on just fine. Lovely weather, great food, good friends.. Things was just great.. Until this person starts talking happily about "My Girlfriend". BANG! Bullet through my heart. :'( Guess I'm still not used to hearing that phrase and knowing its not me. Why is life so complicated?

Know what I miss the most? Having those 'butterflies in my tummy' feelings. Odd isit? But that's what I miss. While waiting to meet up, or while waiting for a phone call.. Reading a sms, deciding what to wear.. Wondering where are we going, whats the plan for today.. All those with having that 'butterflies in my tummy' feeling. Haha.. Ok, ok.. I know. I'm weird.. *sigh* I do miss that.. But, whats done is done. Can't change anything.. No more 'butterflies in my tummy' for me anymore..

*sigh* Sooner or later I'd have to start back at square one.. Still afraid to take the risk coz sometimes I feel like giving up on believing in love. It doesn't seem as beautiful as it was before.. So for now, I guess I'll just have to go with the flow.. Taking baby steps..

I'm talking nonsensce again, am I? Bedtime. Nite.

Is trouble a friend?

I'm sad right now. I hate myself. :'(

This is just another song going through my head.

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Trouble he will find you, no matter where you go, oh oh
No matter if you're fast, no matter if you're slow, oh oh
The eye of the storm or the cry in the morn, oh oh
You're fine for a while but you start to lose control...
He's there in the dark
He's there in my heart
He waits in the wings
He's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend yeah trouble is a friend of mine
Ah ooh...
Trouble is a friend but trouble is a foe, oh oh
And no matter what I feed him he always seems to grow, oh oh
He sees what I see and he knows what I know, oh oh
So don't forget as you ease on down the road...
He's there in the dark
He's there in my heart
He waits in the wings
He's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend yeah trouble is a friend of mine
oh oh
So don't be alarmed if he takes you by the arm
I won't let him win but I'm a sucker for his charm
Trouble is a friend yeah trouble is a friend of mine
ah ooh
How I hate the way he makes me feel
And how I try to make him leave,
I try, oh oh I try.....

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Going to go find some music sheets now. I miss playing the piano.
Nite.
Hoping to wake up feeling better.

That's all it takes

2 words. 2 simple words. That's all it takes. Made me feel angry, yet sad at the same time. *sigh* Why do I keep doing this to myself? Told myself not to go and read that blog anymore.. Yet I keep going back, looking and hoping for something. Silly me.

2 words. 2 simple words. That's all it takes to make me happy. But I don't think I'll ever see those 2 words I've hoped for. Never again, never.. I don't think you even know what those 2 words I wish to hear are.. *sigh*

2 words. 2 simple words. Sounds so easy but it's so freakin' hard to do. I'm still learning, it's getting easy.. But it still hurts to think that one day you'll be behind me instead of beside me..

Simple words evoke all sorts of feeling, right? Why am I so gloomy.. Maybe its the weather affecting me.. A stroll in the rain under an umbrella would do me good.. *sigh*

Pitter Patter~

8.40am. Lovely weather to be all curled up in bed, warm and cosy. But alas! Here I am wide awake, with nothing to do. *sigh* This is frustrating..

Last night, went to watch Shrek. It was so so funny! Haha. I love Shrek.. My brother loves the 3rd movie of Shrek, especially the Merlin part. :) Sadly, the 4th movie of Shrek would be the last.. No more Shrek. Hope they come up with new cartoons like Shrek..

Tonight, have to go and buy some stuffs for the picnic tomorrow. Good food with good friends. :) Hopefully with good weather too tomorrow. Haha.

Hey you, I miss you. Why do I always miss you when it rains? Haha. Silly me.

p/s- I'm blogging via mobile right now. Just testing. Haha.

Opera Mini :)

Living in the Senadin area means crappy online connection. It's like living in a cave. :S Just like today. Been trying to go online since 9am. No success til now. 5pm. Arghh! It's frustrating ok? With nothing to do the whole day. *sigh*

That's why I've been going on9 through my mobile. :) At first I just used the mobile web browser, but I find it difficult coz the screen doesn't fit. I have to scroll up and down, left to right to read something. That's when I remembered that my phone has the Opera Mini application. Yippee!



Opera Mini is a special kind of browser that delivers compressed Web pages from Opera's servers, and as a result, browsing is fast and data use is reduced to about 10% of what you would normally use. ( I don't know how the explain the function so I just copied this from http://my.opera.com/operamini/blog/ Hehe).

This is how the Start Page looks like. :)

I know my phone is no smart phone. *sigh* But still, having Opera Mini makes surfing the internet through mobile so easy.

K. Bye. :)

Day dreams?

Hello.

Last night when I got back from the gym, I was so tired. Plus, wasn't feeling too well. Guess it was because of the lack of sleep from the night before. I couldn't sleep after all the psycho incident. Kept me awake till 4am. *sigh* Owh, the throbbing headaches. And today when I woke up, still have a slight headache. Hopefully it will be gone soon.

I just read one of my friend's status in FB just now. It was a lyric from one of my all time favourite song by Shania Twain. From This Moment On. I find that song so romantic. It's a song full of promises. It's a song that defines love. Fell in love with that song since the first time I heard it. :)

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"From This Moment On"

Spoken: I just swear that I'll always be there.
I'd give anything and everything and I will always care.
Through weakness and strength, happiness and sorrow,
for better for worse, I will love you with
every beat of my heart.

From this moment life has begun
From this moment you are the one
Right beside you is where I belong
From this moment on

From this moment I have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love I'd give my last breath
From this moment on

I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can't wait to live my life with you, can't wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment on

You're the reason I believe in love
And you're the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment
I will love you as long as I live
From this moment on

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Beautiful song isn't it?
*sigh*
This brings back so many memories.

Wasting space and time ...

I have nothing to do right now. Just finished chatting with my brother (only few lines exchanged!) then he had to pay attention in his tuition class. Now I'm waiting to go to the gym.

I'm just curious ... Which one is the real you? In one website, you sounded so sad. Asking for help to get away. The in another website, you sound all sweet and caring as if you'd never dream of going away. Hurm. That confuses me. *ponders* Ah! Nvm. It's none of my business anyway. And I don't want to dwell on these stuffs too long coz it will start turning me into a human water tap again. So, no more human water tap please?

My brother is coming to Miri soon. But just for awhile. Coz my aunt is taking him on a vacation to KK. Asked me to go with him, but I can't. It's revision week. Then FINALS!! Arghh! My stressing periods are almost here! *sobsob*

What else to talk about? Hm ... I've no idea!

psstt!!! The psychotic gf msged me again in the morning. *sigh* She is confusing I tell you. She really knows how to twist around facts and stories. *shivers*

Ok. I'm all out of ideas.
Guess I'll stop now.
GYM HERE I COME.

Foolish games...

I'll be off to bed soon, right after I've finished posting this. Have a presentation tomorrow morning and as the first group presenting, don't wanna be late.

Received messages from the psychotic gf just now. Trying to make me feel guilty. *sigh* Just when I've calmed down and preparing for my presentation, she just have to pop up and spoil my mood again. Apala ...

Hey ktk. I don't know if you're ever going to read this. But if you do, read carefully. YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL, ok? I mean, come on la ... If you knew the real reason and story behind the both of you getting together, then perhaps you'd understand why I'm telling you to be grateful. Ktk pdh ktk cayak alu2 ngn nya kan? Then, knk mok bgg bila dgr cdak ofis ktk crita benda pelik2 sal gerek ktk? Ktk lbh mok cayak cdak ofis ktk ka? Cdak ofis ya gerek ktk ka? Mun da blh bgg sal benda camya, that means ktk nang xcayak la ya ... Don't give me excuses bh.. I've explained everything already. I made everything perfectly clear. How many times do you want me to say this? Ktk sorang jak gerek nya knktok, ok? I bet you love hearing me say those words right? Me, the ex-gf that still cares so much, saying those words to comfort you. Whoopeedo! Do you want to hear me say those words again? How about just recording me saying those words then?

And now I am finally strong enough to stop crying. But you, you made me cry again. :S What do you want bh? You keep on saying sorry for asking me those question coz you did not know that was me. Well, I'm glad that you did. So that now I know who you really are, and what your friends in the office are like. Kepoh B*tches that has nothing better to do than talk crap about other people. And if you're silly enough to believe them, then I wash my hands off you.

Ktk ya nsb bait kmk msh btimbang rasa and msh dpt bpike tek time reply msg ktk. Kmk msh hormat sbb ktk gerek nya and sbb ktk JAUH lebih tua dr kmk. Kmk respect ktk. Mun ekot hati, asa mok kol ktk knk2 tok and tyk apa ktk mok sebnrnya? Dala bila gaduh, family ktk pulak yg gago pg kol gerek ktk soh nya patah blt agak ktk. Psycho la ktkorg suma.

There. I should stop right there or else I don't know what else I'm going to type out. I just wish she would grow up and act like her own freaking age. 27 ok, not 17. *sigh*

Hey you, if you're reading this then I just want to say I am so so sorry. I know some of the words are harsh. This incident hurt me more than I thought it had. And I'm sorry I caused the both of you to fight. I'm going to sleep now and pray that when I wake up, I will be stronger and more understanding.

I should sleep now. Presentation at 9.30 tomorrow. Owh not tomorrow, later.
Nite.

How dare you??!!

How freaking dare you say that to me? :'(

I am so so so so pissed off right now. My hands are literally shaking right now. Heart is beating so fast it feels like it's going to explode. ARGHHH!!!

I called someone just now coz that person din reply my msges, jst to check whether my msg was received or not. Surprise, surprise! The gf answered and told me that the person I was looking for was not available. So I said nvm. After hanging up, I sent another msg, asking to reply me when that person sees my msg. Now, this person was some one precious to me. And old habits die hard. I used our endearing terms. Then I realized, why am I still msging that number. There are 2 numbers. So I try contacting this person via the other number. Yes, I got the right person. This person told me that the gf was holding onto their hp. I said nvm. So end of story right? WRONG!

Not long after that, I received a msg from the gf, using this person's number asking me who am I? "Ko gerek nya ka? Phl ko cr nya?" The minute I finished reading those 2 lines, my hands started shaking. I forwarded that msg to this person's other number. Then I calmly called the gf.

When she answered, I asked "Ktk xknl kmk ka?". She said yes, she recognized. Then I asked, if she does recognize me then why did she send me that sms? She said she din realized it was me until I called and my pic popped up. Yeah right! I then asked her why on earth would she asked such a question? "Ktk xcayak ngn gerek ktk ka?" She said she trusts, but today this person deleted all the msges in the phone before handing it over to her. So she thinks that there's something going on. WTF. So that's trust to you huh? "Ktk tauk sik ktk sorg jak gf nya knk tok. Nya dirik pun dah pdh ngn ktk kan? Knk msh xtrust ngn nya?" Know what she said? "Xda mek xtrust ngn nya. Kmk trust." Bullshit. I told her to check properly next time before she goes sending those type of msges. She knows my phone number ok? Asked it from me so that I could send msges/reports to her. *sigh* But, she SHOULDN'T be sending those type of msges. It's clear she doesn't trust at all. Empty talks. Full of crap. Whatever ...

Come on la! I have never felt so insulted before. Here I am getting comfortable with the fact that I am able to finally move on. Then this stupid, idiotic girl asks me such questions? How dare you? If you were in my place, what would you feel?

I'm taking deep breaths to calm myself down right now.
*breath in, breath out*
Just ignore the stupidity.

Btw, you are one hell of a psychotic maniac. Do you know that? The problem is between the both of you. You don't have to involve your family. I know you are sick. Genuinely sick. And everyone feels sorry and sympathizes you. Heck, even I sympathizes you. There are so many things that you've done to me that makes me want to vent out my anger onto you. But, I resist. Coz you're sick. And I don't want to make you worry or think too much. But that doesn't mean you should use that illness a tactic. Psycho la you. You and your family. Every single one of you. Psycho.

p/s: Sorry if some of the words are abit harsh. I'm just so freaking angry. Sorry.

Eenie Meenie Minie Mo ?

I din know what to put as the title. Haha. That was totally random.

Right now, my body is aching all over. Went to the gym again yesterday, but this time I joined the aerobic session. OMG. 15mins and I'm already sweating. Haha. I felt so unhealthy yesterday. Halfway through the session I started to get heartburn. *sigh* I used to be able to jog AT LEAST 5 lapse on the school track, non-stop. Now I shall be grateful if I can complete 1 round. Hahaha. I am so unhealthy. Still, I can't wait for tomorrow to come. Even with the aching muscles, I had a great time. :)

Btw, I did not went for a karaoke session on Saturday. There was not many people joining us. In fact, I think there was only 2 of us. Haha. So, went to watch Robin Hood (which was fantastic!) then went of to Victoria for this Underground music by DJ Kuma thingy. Saw my housemate there but I don't think she noticed me. Haha. I am such a loner, always keeping to myself in my room. After Victoria, went off to Al-Fresco for late night dinner (I know, sia-sia jak go to gym).

Next week, karaoke. To drive the stress away.

Owh my aching limbs ... *sobsob*

Lock Your Spot

All day long, the conversations revolving around me was about this website call Lock Your Spot. It's a network marketing company. My friend asked me to sign up last night and now she's pestering me to ask other people to join. So here I am pestering other people to join up as well coz it's free. But not for long. Will be launching soon. As I'm typing this, there's only 12 hours left. Haha.

Join me anyone?
http://www.lockyourspot.com/kistin12

Tonight I might be going out for a karaoke session with some friends. No, I am not a good singer. But I don't care. Friends better bring their earmuffs tonight. Haha. Owh, might go and watch Robin Hood as well. Love the director. The other movie that he made, Kingdom of Heaven was one of my favourites.

K, gtg now. Have to go pester someone else to join me in Lock Your Spot. 12 hours left!

Twinkle, twinkle little star ...

Just got back. Went somewhere just now, doing something. I can't tell the details, am not allowed to. But, I couldn't concentrate back then. Coz I was mesmerized by the stars. It was breathtaking ... If I could, I would have just laid there on the mat, gazing at the stars. It wasn't just 2 or 3 stars you know ... I'm talking about a sky filled with sparkling stars. *sigh* Beautiful ...

And it reminds me of an incident from the past ... Where I was actually laying on a mat, looking at the stars. Where? Hahaha. It's a favourite spot in Miri for star gazing. But where I was a while ago was someplace else ... And the stars were more sparkly than the night 5 years ago ... :)

Hey you, I miss gazing at the stars with you. I don't remember when was the last time we did it ... I guess we got so caught up with our daily life that we let the simple pleasures like these slip away ... Like taking a walk at the beach, going to the park, star gazing ... All those simple little pleasures. I miss doing all those stuffs .. It's not always about going shopping or movies you know? *sigh* But what's the use of me saying all this now. It's already too late for me ... :'(

Will anyone go star gazing with me? It calms me ever so much ...

Nite.

On My Own

Just another song stuck in my head right now.

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On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

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"But only on my own"

I'm off to bed now. Nite.

Rhythm of the falling rain ...

It was raining today. I walked to the bus stop under an umbrella. It was 7.30pm ... And at that moment, it felt that I was all alone in this whole wide world. It felt calm and soothing to hear the pitter-patter of raindrops on my umbrella with an occasional breeze blowing around. I love it when it rains ... *sigh*

It's in these little things that makes me remember. I don't think I've written about this incident in this blog. I used to walk in the rain, hand-in-hand with that someone precious. It was a long time ago ... But the feeling I felt at that moment, priceless and unforgetable. :)

Luckily it was dark when I was wallking to the bus stop. Or else people would thought that I was crazy. Coz I was tearing up, yet smiling at the same time.

Silly me, reminiscing while walking in the rain ..

I'm walking on sunshine!

Ignore the title. It's irrelevant. Haha. Just a song that suddenly popped into my mind. Yes, you've guessed correctly. I can't sleep again! Went to the gym earlier, cycled for like 30mins (it's only my 2nd visit, gimme a break ok?). Body aches like hell, but this eyes still won't sleep.

One of my friend cried just now. My heart went out to her coz I know what she is feeling. Teared up abit seeing her so sad... All those words of comfort like, "Don't worry, it'll be ok" or "Just be strong, it'll be over soon." felt so empty. I couldn't bring myself to give those advises coz it din work for me. No it won't be over soon. How can you get over a heartache so fast? Even now I'm still crying coz of the pain. How can I tell her to be strong when I myself felt so weak and vulnerable becoz of the heartache? *sigh* I could only tell her to cry as hard and long as she wants. Through crying, she'll get better. That I am sure coz I am getting better after each and every cry I had.

Even just now I cried again. Was surfing through Youtube. Came across one very meaningful song to me. Staccie Oricco's I Promise. *sigh* That song brings so much emotion, so many memories. And then to listen to that song again after everything that has happen felt like a slap across my face. I smiled yet I cried at the same time. Silly huh?

A quote for my heartbroken friend... And also for you that is so precious ...

"It’s hard to lose someone you love, to finally say goodbye. You try to be strong, but the pain keeps holding on, and all you can do is cry. Deep within your heart, you know it’s time to move on, when the fairytale you once knew is gone."

Be happy precious. Enjoy love, enjoy life.

I'm learning to do so again ...

Gotta go and try to sleep now. My head is throbbing. *sigh*
Bye. Off to find a bit of happiness in my dreams.

Bit of pondering ...

Yes. I can't sleep again. This is stupid. I have a headache right now. Been trying to sleep since 1am. *sigh* Why won't sleep come to me? This is tiring ...

Earlier on, I told someone that I wouldn't read their personal blog anymore. Too painful for me. So just now, I went for a visit one last time (I hope). Still so very painful. Ah silly heart of mine, when will you ever learn?

Remember in earlier posts I told mein honigbienchen that "For better or worse, I got you"? I meant that, I really do. Coz no matter what had happened between us, this person really means a lot to me. But the silly thing is, whatever promises or wishes that I've made to this person, this person did to another. Do you get what I'm saying? Here I am promising that I'll always be here and that I could take away the pain and burden. Here I am trying to find happiness in my dreams and wishing this person all the happiness in real life. And there's this person promising to always be there for another person. Promising and wishing basically everything that I've promised or wished unto this person. It sort of opened up my eyes. I understand now what this person truly felt for that other girl. As much love as I'm feeling for this person... And if all the love is out there for that other girl, there is absolutely no hope for me anymore. Not one tiniest bit... Silly huh? To be slapped in the face by cruel reality. To finally realize I'm a nobody ...

Why do I love you so? This is silly, so silly. For me to keep holding on when you're trying so hard to push me away? But you know what scares me now? To still have this feeling of love and longing to be with you, and yet discover that as each day passes it is getting easier and easier to let you go and move on. That scares me sometimes ... Really scares me. And confuses me in the same time... The heart is a funny thing ...

I'm tired of turning into a human water tap every now and then. And yet I'm also tired of pretending everything is fun and okay. Basically, I'm just tired of my life. Reading used to be my way of escaping. To immerse myself into the life of the characters in books and read on til a happily ever after. But now, I'm tired of doing that. I'd read halfway then put the book down thinking life's not fair. How come characters in books always gets their happily ever after? And so I turn to sleeping as a way to escape. To retreat into a fairytale of my own where everything is back to how it used to be. But then waking up to reality seems so harsh. What can I do now?

What am I to do with my life?

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Hello by Evanescence

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you, she's not breathing?
Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

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When will my next adventure begin?

Nite everyone. Better get to sleep before Mr. Teardrops decides to pay me a visit.

This one is for you .. ..

You know who you are. I am sorry. I wanted to be the one to share your pain and relieve your burden. But I guess I'm just adding them.

This one is for you. Hope you understand. Although goodbyes are inevitable, there's no such things as goodbyes. You are always with me. In my heart and through the memories we've shared. Thank you for everything.

Immortality by Celine Dion

So this is who I am,
And this is all I know,
And I must choose to live,
For all that I can give,
The spark that makes the power grow
And I will stand for my dream if I can,
Symbol of my faith in who I am,
But you are my only,
And I must follow on the road that lies ahead,
And I won't let my heart control my head,
But you are my only
We don't say goodbye,
We don't say goodbye,
And I know what I've got to be

Immor-tality
I make my journey through eternity
I keep the memory of you and me inside

Fulfill your destiny,
Is there within the child,
My storm will never end,
My fate is on the wind,
The king of hearts, the joker's wild,
We don't say goodbye,
We don't say goodbye,
I'll make them all remember me

Cos I have found a dream that must come true,
Every ounce of me must see it through,
But you are my only
I'm sorry I don't have a role for love to play,
Hand over my heart I'll find my way,
I will make them give to me

Immor-tality (oh baby)
There is a vision and a fire in me (ohh)
I keep the memory of you and me, inside
We don't say goodbye
We don't say goodbye
With all my love for you
And what else we may do
We don't say, goodbye

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I won't let my heart control my head.
Goodbye, my heart's dearest.

Have You Ever Been in Love?

One of the reason I can't sleep is because this stupid song keeps on repeating itself in my head.

Have You Ever Been in Love?

Have you ever been in love
You could touch the moonlight
When your heart is shooting stars
You're holding heaven in your arms
Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever walked on air, ever
Felt like you were dreamin'
When you never thought it could
But it really feels that good
Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever been in love
You could touch the moonlight
When your heart is shooting stars
You're holding heaven in your arms
Have you ever been in love?

The time I spent waiting for something
That was heaven sent
When you find it don't let go
I know...

Have you ever said a prayer
And found that it was answered
All my hope has been restored
I ain't looking anymore
Have you ever been...

Some place that you ain't leavin'
Somewhere you gonna stay
When you finally found the meanin'
Have you ever felt this way?

The time I spent waiting for something
That was heaven sent
When you find it don't let go
I know...

Have you ever been in love?
You could touch the moonlight
You can even reach the stars
Doesn't matter near or far
Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever been in love?
So in love

*sigh*

So much for fairy tales huh?
"When you find it, don't let go"

Nite everyone.

Time after time ... ...

Hello.

I couldn't sleep. Went to the gym earlier. I tried all sorts of exercises there, trying to make sure that I'll be deadbeat tired when I get back so that after showering I could sleep. But no ... The body is tired, but the mind is active. *sigh* I just can't sleep. Every time I try to get comfortable in bed, Mr. Teardrops would come for a visit. And because I'm tired of turning into a human water tap, here I am sitting in front of my laptop, writing nonsense.

It's the month of May.
Time really does fly.

My post for these couple months had not been cheerful. But please, don't think that I'm not happy. In the midst of all those turmoils in my life, there are times that are happy for me. I'd be sitting there, laughing like there's no tomorrow. So, it's not always tears for me. There are occasional laughter now and then. GENUINE laughter, I meant.

How about today?
Bittersweet.
*sigh*


Hey you. You know I'm talking to you right now. You don't have to keep on doing this to me. I get it. You want me to go. It's what you wish for. But my heart tells me to stay. Not hoping for sympathy and love. No, I know I can no longer get that from you in your current situation. But, my heart tells me to stay coz my heart wants to make sure that you're happy. Genuinely happy. Not just some fake smile you plaster onto your face for the whole world to see. You can fool everyone else, but you can't fool me ... I know, coz I've been doing the same thing. I know what you're feeling coz hey, aren't we in the same situation now? Trying to be strong in the eyes of the one we love but can't have? *sigh* Don't you get tired sometimes? My heart aches see-ing you in your current situation. And after what you told me earlier, it aches even more ... Don't do this to yourself ... You're scaring me. Especially after one particular sentence when I told you that I'm tired. You know which sentence I'm talking about. Don't say that. That scares me. Truly. *sobsob*

So much to tell you, with limited emotions to show. I guess you kinda know what I'm feeling by that. I pray you'll be truly happy soon. And one day you'll find that someone that you've hoped for. Someone who will understand you, your actions and your feelings. Someone who can truly share your burden. Someone truly prefect and has everything. Someone who will make you happy. Wish I was that someone but I guess you've shown me that I can't.

You can ask me to let go. I'll grant you that. You can ask me to stop loving. I'll learn how to. But don't ask me to stop caring. You too precious to me and my heart won't allow it. I'm sorry. Bear with me a little longer. It's getting easier for me each day to let go ... ...



I suddenly remembered a phrase from Celine Dion's song. It goes like this:
" I wanna find a place where dreams can happen,
I wanna find a love who'll take me there ... "

Can I?
Will I?

Gotta go now. I'm starting to turn into a human water tap again. It's giving me a headache. I need to sleep. It's 2.30am!!! Why won't sleep come to me? :'(