One month

Yesterday marks 1 month. 1 month has passed by. Has it been too fast or too slow?

 

There are times I completely forgot that that incident happened. But then there are times when I am alone, I would miss the little private moments I alone go through and experience.

 

Yesterday when I woke up, the first thought I had was the amount of mixed feelings surging through me one month ago. Anxious, sad, worry, angry, and loneliness. One month ago, I stood looking out of a window, watching the world wake up and prepare to face another new day. There was a feeling of serene calmness as I watch the sky changes colour and became brighter. It rained the night before, so the street before me looked as if washed anew.

 

New Life.

 

If I could have captured the image I saw while looking out of my window that morning, that would be the title I choose to name the picture.

 

Out of the many moments and feelings I had and felt that 24 hours, the moment I looked put of the window in the early hours of a new day would be the one that continues to haunt.

 

Sometime I regret making that decision. But then I know to choose the other way, I was not ready.

 

My faith is slowly being eaten.

Distraction or Motivation

This is a long overdue post.

Been thinking about this for quite some time now.

But never could find the right ways to put it into words.

I guess what triggered me to write this post was because I dreamt of you again. But this time, it was during my short nap after my morning class.

You're in my mind. Not only today, but you've always been there. Every single waking moments, you there. Even when I am laughing with my friends, taking notes in class, talking nonsense with my besties or even jogging along the beach.. You are there, at the back of my mind. 

I don't like it.

I think the main reason I am like this is because I am afraid. Because truthfully, I've never been able to imagine my future with anyone else but you. Yes there has been past relationships and crushes. But you've always been there, in that one corner of my heart.

Why did you go and tell me such things last December? I was doing fine, keeping you safe and sound in that little corner of my heart while I go on with life, mixing around and meeting new people. Those once in a blue moon calls or texts from you was enough. When you starting giving me mixed signals, I was able to laugh it off and convinced myself that you were just being a very concerned close friend. All because I don't want us to drift apart again. But then you just had to go and break down my walls again by saying the big L word to me. As if the L word wasn't enough, you brought up the M word too. And now, where are we?

Those once in a blue moon calls and texts are not enough anymore. I wanna hear from you, everyday! Those mixed signals you give me, I can't shake them off so easily anymore. It confuses me and makes me uncomfortable. Meeting you only once a sem is not enough anymore. I wanna see you more frequently.

You told me that all these while you stayed away from me because you were afraid that you might be a distraction. You were afraid that I would not focus all of my attention into my studies. But then, why do you prefer to stay away in fear of being a distraction? When you could have just stayed and be my motivation? Wouldn't being a motivation be so much better?

I miss you, too damn much that it hurts.
But I am afraid to tell you.
Coz I know it will push you further away than you are now.

fml

xoxoxo

Pillow Talks at 3am

9th of  November.

What the hell did I do?

Why the hell did I do it?

He came to my place yesterday around 12am, with his friend. Drunk and still ongoing with the drinking. Oh the noisy laughters of a drunk-head, and yet the infectious laughter that I love and missed. So, talked ( at least they did, I was busy laughing silently) til around 2am. Then his friend went to sleep. He was supposed to sleep as well, being super drunk and all. But he did not.

Ended up talking.

Ah me, the things he told me. The things he advises. The way he said it all.

With him it is always about Fate and Destiny.

Things could have been different between us, but here we are.

Having a comfortable close "brother-sister" relationship.

Fate. Destiny. Life.

Maybe he doesn't know or even realize, but its the little things he did that morning that keeps me smiling today. How he'd pinch my nose when I smile at stuffs he advised, or how he'd ruffle my hair when I agree on certain points of the conversation. The little smile he has when he looks at me. *slapself!*

And that morning, he whispered, "Find someone better. I'm sorry that I am not the one."

"I love you girl, but as a sister."

He never said that.

And he is saying all these when he is drunk.

People say, the words of a drunken are the ones they say from their heart.

I have to be grateful for what I have now.

Don't be selfish and wish for more.

Will listen to his advises, that he repeated over and over again.

But after he left that morning, I will not deny.

I cried. 

For the things that will never be.

*sigh*

Found this poem online.

It says exactly everything I felt.

But A Suppressed Sigh by Anju Addanki

 Nor are you my life.

Nor the air I breathe

Nor I say 'Without you-oh dear I can't live! 

For in such untrue words

My heart doesn't believe

Throughout the life for someone; 

No one ever grieves! 

If it's destiny

and you can't be mine

In your sorrow I won't die! 

Nor this heart

In grief will I tie

With time and wisdom, 

This passion will fly for you! 

No more like today, 

My tears for you will dry! 

Forgetting, this bitter phase

I'aspire for and high! 

No regrets

No complaints, 

My life will pass by! 

But then! There's something-- 

I shouldn't lie-- 

In silence of lone nights--

Life

Without you--

Will be-- 

But, a deeply SUPPRESSED SIGH! 

Exactly how I felt the whole day after our talk.

Gonna try to sleep now.

I am such a mess today.

Thank God for friends around me and the BBQ that helped distract me a bit.

And thank God for more distractions in the days to come.

xoxo

Byul (Stars)

My all time favourite song since the first time I saw the 200 Pound Beauty movie.

Translation

The wind is shaking the windows,

and over my small room.
The stars fill up the sky,

shining brightly too many to count.
The stars reassure tired me,
they wipe away the many tears that are deep inside me

"Don’t be hurt too much"

They hug me tight and pamper me and comfort me,
telling me to go to sleep.

Though I’m exhausted to the point where I can’t walk,
though my tears blur my vision,
I’ll still smile in front of my love that I’m not able to get

Even though our happy times were short,

I’ll treasure it deep inside my heart,
Like those countless number of stars,

forever

My dream is coming.

Though it is unusual that my one star is bright.
It is very bright, even blinding.

It comes down to my shoulder.

"Stop being so sad"

It holds my hand as it touches me and gives me a warm hug

Though I’m exhausted to the point where I can’t walk,

though my tears blur my vision,
I’ll still smile in front of my love that I’m not able to get.

Even though our happy times were short,

I’ll treasure it deep inside my heart
like those countless number of stars,

forever

Only for today,

I won’t cry though my eyes fill with tears
I want to laugh like those stars
Oh~ I want to cherish all my happy moments deep inside my heart

Like those countless number of stars,

forever.

 

A song that belongs to my past

I don't know why, but today this songs popped into my head and is stucked there ever since. Making me unstable. Gahh!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ni Na Me Ai Ta
(You Love Her So Much)


zhi dao ai xiao shi ni cai dong de
You will only understand after love disappears
qu zhen xi shen bian mei ge mei hao feng jing
To appreciate all the beautiful scenery in front of you
zhi shi ta zao yi li qu
It's just that she has already left earlier
zhi dao ni xiang tong ta zao yi jing
Until you've thought it over,she has already
bu zai dui ni liu lian
Lost all her love for you
zui hou de ni
In the end
kai shi le yi duan zheng zha
You found yourself tangled in a struggle


ni na me ai ta
You love her so much
wei shen me bu ba ta liu xia
Why didn't you make her stay
wei shen me bu shuo xin li hua
Why didn't you say the words of your heart
ni shen ai ta
You love her deeply
zhe shi mei ge ren dou zhi dao a
Everyone knows that


ni na me ai ta
You love her so much
wei shen me bu ba ta liu xia
Why didn't you make her stay
shi bu shi ni you shen ai de liang ge ta
Is it that you have two of her that you love deeply
suo yi ni bu xiang zai rang zi ji wu fa zi ba
That's why you don't want to make it hard to pull yourself out of this

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, off for class.

xoxo

Listening

Distant rumbling of thunders can be heard. It's gonna rain soon.. 

Rain. 

The one weather that provokes so many different type of emotions in me. I love the rain. The sound of it falling brings me comfort and the sense of security. And yet, there are times when the sound of raindrops brings the sense of loneliness and sadness as well.

The turmoil I am going through now, I try so hard to hide it away. 

Why is it so when I've finally found a person that has almost everything that I have been searching for in a guy, and yet to just finally end up as just friends? To feel so comfortable with a person in such a short period that you dare to think that there might be more. Where is the fairness in this? Knowing me, I'm not the type that gets comfortable with new people so fast, let alone a guy. So where is the fairness in all of this???

 I've slowly adjusted myself to look at him in a new perspective. Since he sees me as a sister, it's fair that I too sees him not more then a brother. Right? Slowly, the term 哥 seems to be more fitting for him than anything else. And to hear him call me Girl so naturally as if we've known each other forever, some how puts a smile on my face. Silly huh?

But then there are times when I allow my brain to wander and think about all this matters, I'd feel those prickling sensation in my eyes. To not feel a tad bit of sadness and unfairness, I would be lying. But I have not yet allowed myself to cry over this. No, I will not cry. :)

And so every time I get sad and every night (or morning) before I sleep, I'll ensure myself that God must have better plans to just place both of us as friends. I will keep my faith in Him and believe that He knows what's best for me, and also for him.

So until then, I should live life happily and also gratefully. No?

"I'm tired of fighting. I want to be fought for. I'm tired of caring. I want to be cared for. I'm tired of being just me. I want to be yours." #TheNoteboook

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Listen with your heart, you will understand"

But now the only sounds I can hear are the sounds of raindrops falling.

And for tonight, those sounds are soothing sounds to be made into my lullaby as I drift of to sleep later.

So until the next post,

xoxoxo

Seriously?

Okay. 

Fresh start. New clean slate. 

PLEASE!!!! 

 A sister? Seriously? 

Like serious seriously??

*sigh*

Fine.. Sister then..

*Adjustment mode on*

Moments of Insecurities...

I am supposed to be revising for my finals. But lately, a lot has happened. Knowing me, I can't pay full attention until I let off some of the load I'm feeling. Where else can I do that except here? ;)

Are you happy being single? Some one asked me that question few days ago. I happily told that person, Yes. Comparing me to the person I was last year and the year before, I am so much more happy. Some friends tell me to take my time to heal before venturing into the world of relationships again. Others would tell me be brave and just try again. But hey, I'll just smile and say, "We'll see".

The truth is, this heart of mine is still afraid. Bcoz from what I've been through, everytime I fall for someone, it would either not work out or I would end up being hurt real bad.

So for now, whenever some one asks me, I'll just smile.

Moving on to something else that is completely has no link to what I've talking about earlier.... Tonight I'll be praying extra hard for strength. There's something I have to do tomorrow that I dread. I am afraid but I know I have to do it.

Ok, back to studying. I can't wait for Monday to come. Not because I'm super clever and can't wait to sit for my paper. But because I'll be meeting one of my reason that made me smile throughout this semester.

xoxoxo

Don't.

Dear tears, don't visit me tonight k?

I received a missed call from ***** just now. I dunno what she wants. Texted XX to tell about d miss call that I received. Now feeling a bit sad.. I am moving on, being happy without XX in my life anymore. I don't need ***** to pop in and remind me how happy she is with XX. Thanks, but no thanks...

Although this sem has been hectic to the point if me getting sick from all the workload, I'm grateful. I'm grateful to have new friends around me. I'm grateful for the new environment that my Heavenly Father has placed me in. I will learn to be strong and believe one day my heart will learn to completely forgive and won't be afraid to start all over again. I place my heart unto the hands that I trust the most and the one that I know will never desert me.

Just a while ago, I was listening to Avril's song tittled Goodbye Lullaby. Can't help feeling sad. Perhaps that will be my lullaby for tonight.

Off to bed. Early right tonight? I'll wake up early tomorrow and continue my last assignment for this sem. Time really does fly by right? Been acknowledging to myself that I am officially single for 9 months now, even though I know it has been more. I will be strong and forget the past.

I'll blog again soon with happy events. Nites.

xoxo

Tears are words your heart cannot express...

Hush, hush.. I'm crying again..

I can't write why 'coz the reason may seem so absurd to some. Even I still find it hard to believe. But it really makes me sad.. The last time I cried so hard like dis was back in Dec 2010..

I wanna leave Miri, can?

*sigh*

Why? Why? Why?

If this is anothet test that You're placing before me, I pray that You would also provide me with the strength and patience to endure this. I don't know what else to do. I don't know what is right and what is wrong. I love them both very much coz they are my parents. Each plays an important role in my life. But to see them like this, it hurts me so much more than they realize. So, so much more.

I know that everything happens for a reason. I just hope I would be able to understand why this is happening. To me, to my family.

What should I do now?

:'(

My December

Last week, I listened to an old CD of mine by Linkin Park. Heard the song My December. And the lyrics, really says what I'm feeling in this December..

December has always been my favourite month. Christmas!! Birthday!! Holidays!! Yes, I love December. That is why my favourite number has always been 12.

But this year, I feel a bit lonely in December.
12/12
My favourite date of the year. My oh so perfect dream date.
This year, I dread that date.
:'(

----------------------------------------------------------

My December



Lyrics:

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things that I said
To make you
Feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things that I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow-covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things that I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

----------------------------------------------------------

Wish 2010 would faster end...

:'(

Spontaneous? Huh.

What did I do to deserve all this?

For the few past years, I've been trying to move on, forgive and forget. I've made very little progress so far. But when someone from my past re-appeared into my life, he helped the process become lighter. With all the turmoil going on in my life, he helped me believed that I will get better and that I will finally be able to let go.

See, I used to have a crush on this person. He re-appeared during the moments when I felt so beaten up. Tired of everything, tired of pretending. I was dying inside wile on the outside I put on my happy face. I was miserable. But when he re-appeared, I suddenly remembered how fun it used to be. Laughters everywhere. He made me feel like the me I used to be. No worries, no pretends. Just being me. I liked it. Very much. But I doubt that he knows.

I told myself I would not fall for him again. It's too dangerous. Not when my heart still loves XX. But I guess some old flames are hard to be completely extinguished. Little by little, when he made me feel like the old me, some of the little feelings I had for him began to resurface. What should I do? And he was no help either by using endearment terms with bits of hints here and there.

Till one day, made a fool of myself. *sigh* I unconsciously told him that I might be falling for him again. Would he stay this time? Sh*t! Stupid, stupid, stupid! Should had just changed my number after that and pretend that I no longer existed on Earth. But I did not. And so the next day,he told me ever so sweetly, he can't. 'Coz he was afraid that he would not always be able to be there for me when I need him. So why don't we take things slow for a mo' and be spontaneous. Go with the flow and see what happens. Me, being the idiotic person who can never really explain what I wanted to actually say, I just said OK.

So, almost a year had past. What has happened to us? Few calls once in awhile with some sms-es in between. Few I miss you's were exchanged with a joke here and there.

Then the bombshell. 2 weeks ago, after a concerned conversation, he told me he's getting married next year.

......

And what did I say in reply? "Congrats!" "I'm so happy for you!"

:'(

Yes I know. Stupid me. But what else should I had said?

So, I told myself that it's ok. It was never meant to be between us. And I continued on with my happy face plastered outside, not knowing what else I should do or say.

But, are you ready for another Earth-shattering news?

When I couldn't take it any more, I turned to my old bestie, who happened to be friends with the old-flame guy. I told her that I didn't know that we were supposed to stop being spontaneous until he told me that he's getting married. :'( Guess what she told me ...

She asked, getting married? To whom? 'Coz a few weeks ago, he just broke up with one of her friends. She din tell me anything about them being together because she thought there was nothing happening between us.

So, all this while he was in a relationship with another? That was all I could think of.

What did I do to deserve all this?

I give up.

MY PERFECT NIGHTMARE

:: Another 30th. *sigh* Keep trying to erase that number but I can't ::

Finally! I've found a song that says exactly what I felt. Haha.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lyrics

Sometimes we fight, sometimes I cry
Why don't I just tell him goodbye
Sometimes I should, but sometimes I don't
Build up the strength to say that it's wrong
Sometimes I hate, sometimes I love
Sometimes I hurt, sometimes I don't
Sometimes I wait for him to change
But it's okay I've disguised the pain (yeah)

And I don't ever wanna leave him alone
They say I'm brain washed

But I'm in love with this man (yeahhh)


Keep telling myself that its not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream

No way, no way, no way,

No way, no way, no way, no way
But if it's from you I dont mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect nightmare

Sometimes I keep it cool, sometimes I let him know

Sometimes I even pack my bags to walk out the door
Sometimes I feel safe, sometimes I really don't
Sometimes I promise that I'm ready to let him go

But I don't ever wanna leave him alone

They say I'm brain washed

But I'm in love with this man (ooooh)

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream

No way, no way, no way,

No way, no way, no way, no way

But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect nightmare

Hoping he's changing, but I'm scared he's not
Can't see a way to leave, help me open my eyes

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it (no way)
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting (don't mind hurting)
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream

No way, no way, no way,
No way, no way, no way, no way
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect nightmare

No way, no way, no way,
No way, no way, no way, no way
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect nightmare

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finally!

Especially the chorus:

"Keep telling myself that its not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare"

Dream on, dream on ..

:: Midnight blues ::

What should I do? Why do I keep on having these feelings?

Feelings as if I don't belong here anymore.

There's always this sense of uneasiness.

*sigh*

You make me happy, you make me sad.

You're the reason for my laughters, and also for my tears.

When I'm with you I am calm and content.

Yet in the same time , you'd start a mini storm inside of me.

I'm so clueless.

What should I do?

Adaka patut ***** padah mun aku cium XX lak mulut aku kembang esok harinya? Sedih aku nya padah aku camya. Aku sik pernah pun minta apa2 jaik terjadi kat nya. Bila nya sakit gik aku risau, salu wish nya cepat sembuh. Tapi kenak nya padah camya kat aku pulang? Sedih aku. Dala mok anta 'benda' ya datang sebab takut aku polah benda pelik. Perlukah? Ya aku sik suka mun ada melibatkan 'benda2' camya. Sik suka alu jak aku. Psycho alu jak. Sedih eh aku. Jangan jak aku mimpi buruk lagi malam tok. Tapi cgek la aku heran. Kenak nya takut alu aku akan buat apa2 dgn XX sampe pelu padah camya? Aku rasa bukan aku yang nya pelu takut. 'Coz ada sorang yang lain gik. :'( Leave me alone bah..

*sigh*

What should I do?

FML

No one's really listening.

:'(

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lyrics

She had a smile that could light up the room in seconds

I got lost in her blue eyes in conversation
And she told me her dreams and she trusted in me for hours
I held her hand and whispered away my secrets

Nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
And no one's really listening
Too blinded by the glare to ever stop and care
Yeah, no one's really there when you need them
So hold on to who you are
'Cause nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
Just falling stars on silver screens

She had a smile that could light up the room in seconds
With tears after midnight, she told me she lost direction
While the world was asleep, she was up telling me it was over
I held her tight for a moment and I was speechless

Nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
And no one's really listening
Too blinded by the glare to ever stop and care
Yeah, no one's really there when you need them
So hold on to who you are
'Cause nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
Just falling stars on silver screens

Last thing I heard, she became a star
Followed her dream, she followed her heart
She left a message in the middle of July
Said you were right and I realized

Nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
And no one's really listening
Too blinded by the glare to ever stop and care
Yeah, no one's really there when you need them

So blinded by the glare to ever stop and care
Yeah, no one's really there when you need them
So hold on to who you are
'Cause nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
Just falling stars on silver screens

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

:'(

I'm lost ...

Have you ever recalled how you used to be and seemed surprised at the difference with whom you've become? Ever wondered what has happened and wished that you could turn back time? Or maybe just feeling utterly helpless and so confused? I have.

It's just as the lyrics of Disney's Mulan OST, Reflection said,

"Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?

Why is my reflection someone I don't know?"

Aku sik suka la dengan apa yang aku dah jadi. Jeles, pemarah, susah nak trust. Sapa tok? Bukan aku ya. Mun banding dengan dolok, jauh sekali beza eh. Aku sik mok. Sik suka. Lelah bah aku macam tok. Terpaksa sentiasa berpura-pura. Kena sentiasa senyum, tahan jak sakit. Sik mok .. Aku mok tetak terbabak-babak macam dolok. Sik pelu nak tapok apa-apa. Senyuman yang ada kat muka aku pun a smile of pure happiness. Ow, take me back to those days. please. Mun kawan-kawan aku dari High School nangga aku kinek tok mesti sidak sik kenal sapa tok. Sedih eh!

That's why I'm giving up on love. Been through too much and all the hurt I've kept bottled up inside had turned into poisoned, changing the who I am. I'm not meant to love and be loved in return. Look at what I've become. No, I can't go through everything again ..

Love was never meant to be for me ..

I feel so lost sometimes. I don't even know who am I anymore.

:'(

SOS

Help anyone?

Emptying my mind/.

It's time to clear out the clutters in my brain. *sigh*

So many things to say, so little words to describe them.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You told me that every girl would love to be in my place. Always together, able to do everything together. Yes, I'm thankful to be here. But what they don't know is the pain I have to hide every single time I see you happily in love with another. The lies I tell myself to make me feel better so that I can be stronger. No, they don't know. It's not easy to be me, to be in this place.

I'm doing a little scrapbook. Gathering memories of what it used to be. Hopefully when I've finished that scrapbook, I'd be ready to completely leave. And I mean really2 leave.

What about me?

Head spinning. Heart pumping.

Help me.

Something happen today. Straight away, this song popped into me head.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What About Me?

Oh there's a little boy waiting at the counter of a corner shop

He's been waiting down there waiting half the day

We never ever see him from the top

He gets pushed around, knocked to the ground

But he gets to his feet and he says

What about me? This isn't fair.

I've had enough now I want my share

Can't you see I wanna live?

But you just take more than you give

Well there's a pretty girl serving at the counter of the corner shop

She's been waiting back there waiting for her dreams

Her dreams walk in and out they never stop

Well she's not too proud to cry out loud

She runs to the street and she screams

What about me? It isn't fair.

I've had enough now I want my share

Can't you see I wanna live?

But you just take more than you give

So take a step back and see the little people

They may be young but they're the ones

Who make the big people big

So listen as they whisper, "What about me?"

Now I'm standing on the corner of the world's gone home

Nobody's changed nobody's been saved

And I'm feeling cold and alone

I guess I'm lucky I smile a lot

But sometimes I wish for more then I go

What about me? It isn't fair

I've had enough now I want my share

Can't you see I wanna live?

But you just take more

What about me? It isn't fair

I've had enough now I want my share

Can't you see I wanna live?

But you just take more, you just take more

You just take more than you give

What about me?

What about me?

What about me?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trying ever so hard to hold back the tears from falling again.

There's no use in crying.

Happy for my friends who had found new love in their life. Hope these new loves will help you forget the pain from the past and give you hopes for a brighter future.

I'll be seeing my new love tomorrow.

Puppies, please cheer me up.

Once upon a time...

Hello. Finished my exams for now. But I still have my deferred papers to study for during the holidays. Hopefully I'd do well. Home does have alot of temptations. Plus 2 puppies that I havn't yet seen. Overall, this had not been a great semester for me. I'm missing my campus buddies (Miss Eva & Miss Debbie), have to handle some personal issues, financial issues and I think I've been feeling demotivated this semester.. I felt so very lost but I try not to show it. *sigh*

During the evening, I read that person's blog again. And this one part seemed to strike me hard. It's the part that said, "aku nang xkan balit ngnnya.ngn ko maybela.p bkn ko mok juak.xkira gne2 pun, apa yg nya buat ya buat aku makin jauh darinya". I know the 'nya' refers to me.. Because of the part that says 'p bkn ko mok juak', since when have I not wanted things to be the way it used to be? So I'm sure that 'nya' refers to me.. Guess what? I didn't cry and I'm not crying.. Maybe later in the middle of the night before I sleep I'll shed a few tears.. But right now, I'm still smiling. Eventhough my heart is hurting like hell...

For the sake of convinient, we'll name this person XX. For the whole 5 years that I've known XX, I've never felt so confused as I'm feeling now. Sure, those of you that do know XX personally might think that I deserve someone better, because of the way XX sometimes bosses me around. But, there is a gentle side of XX that not everyone gets to see. I am one of those very few people. There is a certain way that XX talks or acts when there's only 2 of us that is so endearing. Its usually the simple things that sometimes go by unnoticed. Like the XX would lean in to kiss me on the forehead, or even the way XX would give that sad begging face when asking me to do or buy something for XX. There's way too much for me to describe here.. That is why I keep on saying XX is precious to me..

Even after the incident in 2008 when I discovered that XX was having an affair with a person that is like my own sister, I still find that XX is very precious to me.. Those moments in 2008, there can be no suitable word to describe the pain and betrayal I felt. But I believe that it was my fault. Maybe I didn't pay enough attention. Maybe there was something that I was lack of. Frustrated as I was, I try not to show it. In the end, it was me that XX chose because of the theory that 'Need is more important than Want'. But sometimes, I thought to myself whether it was the right decision. Because even after choosing me, XX still continue to keep in touch with that other girl. And somewhere along that year, they became couples, with me still never leaving XX's side. But even when I was sharing my love with another girl, I am still thankful coz XX still cares about me. Many friends told me I was an idiot and that I should have left. But I don't think they understand.. XX means so much more to me, XX is also my bestfriend and the only one I feel comfortable in confiding everything without having to feel any shame.. *sigh*

And so the triangle continue til end of 2009. Then I had a fight with XX for contacting someone from my past. We agreed to take a break while I went back home for the holiday, with XX telling me that I must wait. I must wait for XX and not give my heart away to anyone else. So waited I did, only to be heartbroken. Returning back to Miri in 2010, I discovered that XX had not waited and had someone new in the short period of my absense. If I thought that the incident in 2008 was bad enough, this new incident was 10 times worse. Friends urged me even more to leave, but I couldn't. How can you have the strength to walk away from everything you've built for the past 5 years? But still XX remain good to me. Even with someone new, XX still spent time with me, doing activities that we normally do.. So heartbroken as I was, I pushed myself to get through. I confess that I had become a terrible person, always being jealous and crying most of the time..

But the worst blow came to me around April when XX broke up with that new gal and hooked up with someone a week after. Rebound. Yeah right. By that period of time, my self-esteem is equivalent to ZERO. Why? There I was, always beside XX through thick and thin, never caring how many time this heart of mine have been hurt. Do you think XX has the sense to see? No. XX goes off into the arms of another girl.. *sobsob* Sometimes, it seems as if I am invisible... Imagine what my friends are telling me to do now after knowing.. But they don't realize, eventhough XX is in a relationship with Girl No 3, most of the free times and even weekends are spent with me.. Its a way of XX's showing that I am more important.. Touched but yet woefully sad in the same time.

Now it's all about XX, me, Girl No 1, Girl No 2 and Girl No 3.. Complicated much? To walk away, I havn't got the strength to do so.

So now you know my story, don't bother to judge me. I'm just a girl trying to get through.