One month

Yesterday marks 1 month. 1 month has passed by. Has it been too fast or too slow?

 

There are times I completely forgot that that incident happened. But then there are times when I am alone, I would miss the little private moments I alone go through and experience.

 

Yesterday when I woke up, the first thought I had was the amount of mixed feelings surging through me one month ago. Anxious, sad, worry, angry, and loneliness. One month ago, I stood looking out of a window, watching the world wake up and prepare to face another new day. There was a feeling of serene calmness as I watch the sky changes colour and became brighter. It rained the night before, so the street before me looked as if washed anew.

 

New Life.

 

If I could have captured the image I saw while looking out of my window that morning, that would be the title I choose to name the picture.

 

Out of the many moments and feelings I had and felt that 24 hours, the moment I looked put of the window in the early hours of a new day would be the one that continues to haunt.

 

Sometime I regret making that decision. But then I know to choose the other way, I was not ready.

 

My faith is slowly being eaten.

Long Hiatus Mode

Hello.

It's already October. And where have I been missing? 

Started a new job at the end of May, at first I threw myself whole heartedly into it. It was the start of a big project. Everything up from scratch. And I, I got stuck doing long Over-times in the offfice. Day after day, week after week, month after month. *sigh* 

I'm lucky Love is understanding. I am working longer hours than he is now. We're so used to him working long hours, we're learning to get use to me working long hours as well. And he has all the patience in the world to go throught this rough period with me.

Amomgst the busy periods, managed to went back to Sri Aman during 1 long weekend and Love joined me too. Visited le Grandparents, my grandma especially was not doing too well. She had a minor stroke and I was shocked to see how much she has changed since the last I saw her. I pray she will hang in there. 

Not enough with all those, Love and I have our own personal problems to solve and settle. Oh the hardness of not being able to share this with any of my girls...but it won't do them any good anyway. The little feelings and sensations I go through and feel each day, I can only keep it to myself. What was meant to be such a happy event, I cannot share. Not even with Love because it will sadden him. And I cannot put him through much more. Sometimes, its true what people say. The person going throught the process has to be so much stronger, because you have to be strong for yourself and the people around you. Doesn't make any sense? You'll understand when certain situation comes to you in the future... 

But then I know Love is trying to be strong for me as well. Love, he is not a persson that is good with words. He doesn't know exactly how to express his feelings. We're different in this. I am into literature, poetries, songs...Love is into gadgets, technology, digital stuffs. So I know how much effort he took when he opened up to me one night by trying to comfort me. He said, no matter how depress or sad I might feel, I must remember that he is always there for me. He will always be there and will never leave. We're just a phone call away. What he said that night made me smile (while trying my best to hold back my tears). 

It will be his birthday this Friday. And he really doesn't ask for much. 

Sometimes I wonder if God is putting us throught these hardship as a test. Or is it a sign? I'm not sure.. 

Anyway, I don't know if this post makes any sense. But me being me, I feel better getting it out in words. 

Good night poppets. Time for bed now. 

I feel old.

xoxo

The Post of Shame

Hehehehe

I know in the previous post I've been ranting about how bored and stress I am lately. And how worried I am about hearing nothing from any of the companies I've appkued to or gone for interviews. 

But then, God works in mysterious ways.

After ranting, I went out for a cycle then after that went to walk the dogs to give them exercises. And during that frame of time, I received 3 good news. Well, 1 is really not official yet. 

Good news #1 would be about my friend from Day 1 in Uni and also room-mate for a year. She finally gave birth to a healthy and adorable baby boy. I actually cried coz I've been missing her and the lil one so much since she went back to Kuching in June. Can't wait to meet her and the lil one in December. 

Good news #2 would be the unofficial good news because I havent really received THE CALL yet. My friend was too excited and texted me about it. Yes, I am finally jobless no more. Monday, 8th October 2012, marks the beginning of the next chapter in life for me. But, still have to wait for THE CALL first to make it official. 

Good news #3 would be about another close friend. I know I just met her and this group of girlfriends last year, but I've bonded with them so fast. I am grateful for these girls that unknowingly helped me get over my past and start again. I love these girls, along with some of the other girlfriends that has really stayed with me through thick and thin. And now, one of these girls from my new circle of friends just told me that she will be getting engage in November, not August next year. 

Oh happiness! 

Right after ranting about how stress on how boring my life has been lately.

*shameshameshame*

Thank you Heavenly Father, for everything.

xoxoxo

Calories Calories Calories

Obviously from the title, the topic for this post would be about calories.

I've gained weight, A LOT! This is by far the heaviest I've been. Oh, no no no. 2nd heaviest. The heaviest I've been was 3 weeks ago at 58kg. That's right, 58!

Current weight? 55.7kg. Yeap, Bit overweight for a person of my height (which is 150cm, fyi). 

Sooo.... been trying to get back on track. Burning calories and watching my intakes.

Been on the treadmill, trying to burn of at least 300 calories daily now. Phew! Have to really push myself to do so. Last year, I could burn of 500 calories easily on the treadmill. Why oh why did I let myself get lazy???

And so today, I've been doing cleaning the whole house. Up and down, in and out. Took me like almost 4 hours to get everything done, including the laundries and also cleaning the puppies. After all that, I hopped onto the treadmill and did brisk walking to burn off 200 calories only (coz I was tired). Then after a short rest, off I went to prepare lunch.

Wanna know how many calories I burnt from 8am til 2pm?

Mopping (1hr) - 143

Sweeping (1hr) - 131

Dusting & take out trash (15mins) - 21

Wash dish & clear table (15mins) - 21

Vacuuming (15mins) - 36

Cook & prepare meal (1hr) - 57

Laundry (15mins) - 14

Sweep outside house (15mins) - 43

Play with dog, sit (15mins) - 21
Bathing dog, stand (1hr) - 143
Make bed (15mins) - 14
Scrubbing bathroom, sink (15mins) - 40
Treadmill (45mins) - 200
Sit-up (5mins) - 38

TOTAL: 922

:)

Wish me luck on getting back into shape before December!
Going to attend High School bestie wedding reception.
Must.Be.In.Shape.

Extract from the heart and mind

Hello poppets.

It's been awhile.

Things has been a bit challenging for me in these few months. The people around me may not notice but I've been struggling. Struggling to keep my sanity and to remain as patient as ever... 

After mass today, I met up with some of my babes for Raya Visiting then just a short catch up session with them at Beach Republic. Coming back from this session made me realize how much I really miss them and how much left out I am from their lifes as I listen to their chit-chats. It made me a bit teary as I drove back, made me miscalculated the angle of the car and almost denting it on the gate. My bad, and my first mistake since driving that White Tiger.

I've been keeping this to myself because if I were to voice it out loud, I would be deemed as rude and ungrateful. And believe me when I say that I am ever so grateful. It's just I find it unfair sometimes...

So for the past few months, I've been staying with my relative. I enjoy being with my cousins, they bring out a part of me that makes me miss my sister lesser than usual. And yes, when you're staying with your relatives for free, the only way you can pay them back is to help around the house. This too I don't really mind because as the eldest child and also being a girl, it has always been part of my responsibility at home. So, day by day I'd do my part quietly while the lists of tasks starts to grow. Still I keep quiet and just do my part. Even if I slept late the night before, I'd make sure to force myself to wake up early and start on the list of tasks. If not then I would feel guilty. The earlier I start then the earlier I'd finish and the earlier I can do stuff on my own. I keep quiet and do all this because I wouldn't want to give my parents any reasons to worry or think that I am ungrateful..

And another thing. Staying with your relatives, means you have to respect their lifestyle and also their set of rules. Which means less going out and being stuck at home. I know this is because they worry for our safety and all. Everything and every decision made, there are sure to be reasons for them. 

But.. here comes the part I find hard. And difficult to explain because they never ask me.

I'm sorry for going out at nights and making them worry about whether I'd reach home safe and sound. But I am sorry too because I won't stop from going out at night, even if its only 1-2 times a week. Why? I gave up most of my time to go out and be with my babes. And I know most of them has already given up on asking me out for lunch or dinner or just to chill... Because every time they ask, my same reasons and excuses are starting to sound lame. So yeah, I'm cut off from most of my babes' life and activities. But sorry, please don't cut me off from him. It's already unbearable to be only meeting him 1-2 times a week and only getting to spend 2-3 hours together. 

Him, working 12 hours a day, 7am-7pm. EVERYDAY. I know how tiring it is for him, and to have him drive all the way out here to pick me up just so we can spend 2-3 hours together. It makes me wanna cry sometimes. And I am always missing him. So I'm sorry but I will continue to make them worry, just so I can get my 2-3 hours with him once or twice a week...

And don't even get me started on his off days. That, that occurs only once in a blue moon. So, I'm sorry again. I will take that chance to spend every hour possible with him. But don't worry. Everytime before going out with him, I always make sure that I've done my duty. Every task expected from me to be done at home, done. So that when I go out, I won't feel guilty of not completing my part. 

I'll be 26 this year. I know it is hard for them to adjust themselves to that fact. We children will always be little kids in their eyes. But I just wish they won't worry too much and have more faith. I know I may look blurry and innocent at times, too much that it is possible to be bullied. But hey, I've been through so much more than they will ever know. Yes I'll still make mistakes once in a while, but I need space to breathe. 

The fact that we always have to be stuck at home and not really alowed to go out at night eventhough we did our part in te housechores was the main reasons most of my other cousins ran away from staying here. Don't worry. I still have lots of patient and perserverance. I can take anything. Any command, any task. I can do it dutifully and quietly. Just let me have my moments with him.

I'm losing my babes, bit by bit. I can't lose him as well.
So, I am really and truly sorry.
I know how much they have done for me. The magnitude of deeds that they've done to help me, I don't know how much I can pay back. For that, I am grateful and continue to do my tasks at home quietly.
It's okay. Thinking positively, this will be a part of training to settle down in my own home with my own family one day in the future.
But that part of going out at night with him, I will continue being stubborn.

Trying hard to not withdraw back into my shell of silence.
Let's continue smiling shall we? 

Sniffles :(

Yes that's right. 

Yours truly has the sniffles. During final exam week. Great huh?

Wifi is back. So I am typing out this post on the lappie. Can't study any more, this nose is killing me. And my mind is distracted.

Been reading back on what I've posted on this nonsense blog of mine for the past few years. Ohemgee. Has it been that bad? Have I always been crying? Was it so hard to move on? Has it really been that complicated?

Yes. Yes. Yes. And yes.

But no, I don't regret anything. If I were given the chance to turn back time and change something, I won't change anything. Why? Because the past had taught me a lot. Because all the heartache I went through, eventually lead me to someone. Unexpectedly.

The last one month has been blissful. Yes, friends all say that these early periods are just the honeymoon stages. Heck, been there and done that before with the previous relationship. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this time, it will last. 

I really never expected that things will turn out this way. What were only meant to be just an attraction, turned out to be all this. There are many times I'll catch myself smiling for no particular reasons. It hasn't been easy. There were always doubts. Doubts in myself, in him, in what is happening around me. Because everything that has happened were really unexpected. And I doubt myself for feeling this strong of attraction, even on the first night of meeting him. Told myself, nah... Couldn't be. Besides, what are the chances of meeting up again and becoming more than just acquaintances?

But then, hey. Back in Curtin and things turned out differently. From acquaintances to friends. Oh my, the attraction? Ever so much harder to ignore. It was when I'd suddenly realize that I smile to myself myself whenever I receive text messages from him or knowing that there would be a chance of meeting up with him, then I realized that this was no longer attraction. But I couldn't bring myself to admit it, even to myself. Denial. 

Besides, keep telling myself over and over again that this cannot be. My feelings were for another. Was it not so? Confusion. Doubts. Denial. 

And so, how did it all end up this way?

Believe me, took me quite some time to be sure of myself. Because I realized it wouldn't be fair for him and it would kill me to hurt such a guy if I were to make the wrong decision. The number of advises that close friends gave and the amount of time spent on pondering. In the end, I came to the decision of just doing what makes me happy. Because what makes me happy should be the right choice. Besides, an advise that one of my close friend (who is also my house mate) told me made me realized something. 

So here we are. A month has past. So far, everything has been just fine. Keeping my fingers crossed, really really tightly.

This is why I haven't been posting anything during the month of April. Been caught up with the whirlwind of everything happening. Even for May. 

So, the past would just stay in the past. The feelings, stay there. The lessons, always with me. 

Thank you ❤. For always not wanting to care much about my past. 

The past shapes the person we are today. But its the present and the future that's important.

*fingerscrossed!*

xoxoxo

What does a smile means?

So what is a smile?

A smile is a facial expression that we use to express feelings of being happy, pleased, and every other blissful feelings we have. In short, it is known as the silent laughter.

But then, is that the only meaning of a smile now days?
I don't think so...

Now days, a smile has many different meanings.
Although still mainly used to show happiness, people now uses smile to cover up their embaressment or shyness. For example, when meeting some one new and you're feelung a bit awkward. What should you do so that the other person does not feel awkward too and thinks bad about you? Why, you smile.

:)

What else?
A smile is also used to hide away what you're really feeling inside.
This type of smile has been perfected by all those heartbroken girls.
Sad and empty inside, but to tired of answering the people around them. So they put on a brave smile and hope it is convincing enough.

What else?

There are so much more. But this girl has to stop and continue on her assignment which is due tomorrow at 5pm. Another 700 words to go.

Before I sign off, here's a recent picture of me.
SMILING.

What type of smile is that?

=) 

xoxoxo

Distraction or Motivation

This is a long overdue post.

Been thinking about this for quite some time now.

But never could find the right ways to put it into words.

I guess what triggered me to write this post was because I dreamt of you again. But this time, it was during my short nap after my morning class.

You're in my mind. Not only today, but you've always been there. Every single waking moments, you there. Even when I am laughing with my friends, taking notes in class, talking nonsense with my besties or even jogging along the beach.. You are there, at the back of my mind. 

I don't like it.

I think the main reason I am like this is because I am afraid. Because truthfully, I've never been able to imagine my future with anyone else but you. Yes there has been past relationships and crushes. But you've always been there, in that one corner of my heart.

Why did you go and tell me such things last December? I was doing fine, keeping you safe and sound in that little corner of my heart while I go on with life, mixing around and meeting new people. Those once in a blue moon calls or texts from you was enough. When you starting giving me mixed signals, I was able to laugh it off and convinced myself that you were just being a very concerned close friend. All because I don't want us to drift apart again. But then you just had to go and break down my walls again by saying the big L word to me. As if the L word wasn't enough, you brought up the M word too. And now, where are we?

Those once in a blue moon calls and texts are not enough anymore. I wanna hear from you, everyday! Those mixed signals you give me, I can't shake them off so easily anymore. It confuses me and makes me uncomfortable. Meeting you only once a sem is not enough anymore. I wanna see you more frequently.

You told me that all these while you stayed away from me because you were afraid that you might be a distraction. You were afraid that I would not focus all of my attention into my studies. But then, why do you prefer to stay away in fear of being a distraction? When you could have just stayed and be my motivation? Wouldn't being a motivation be so much better?

I miss you, too damn much that it hurts.
But I am afraid to tell you.
Coz I know it will push you further away than you are now.

fml

xoxoxo

2012

Whoa.

It's already the month of March. I haven't been for quite some time now. Not that I don't have anything to write about. Heck, I have LOTS to write about. I was just too lazy to switch on my laptop and type. Yeah, this is what happens when my dad introduced Le Tab into our family and hands it over to me. I do everything with Le Tab now. My Baby Galaxy is only for calling, Tweeting and Whatsapp-ing. Yes, I can blog with Le Tab. But my fingers are too fat and I keep on creating typos. And besides, it doesn't feel the same to be using anything else besides my laptop for creating blog-posts. 

So, what's new?

Week 2 for Semester 1, 2012 has started. And me, being oh-so-clever is back with only 2 units to complete. Which means I only have 4 classes per week. Mondays and Tuesdays are no classes days. Then for Wednesdays and Thursdays I'll be free by the afternoons. And as for Fridays, only 1 and a half hour of class to attend. So, I am very free. For now. 

Spent my RM200 book voucher on 7 new books. 3 for me, 2 for my lil brother, 1 for my bestie and the last is for someone. So for the moment, I have 5 books to be read (1 a gift from a friend and 1 borrowed). Oh, and speaking of that someone....

That someone is the same person I talked about on my last post. Things have developed amongst us, and yet we are still as before. In fact, I met up with him again end of December. We went out for some drinks and just catch up. But then, the drinking session went wrong. Oh my, I am not a good drinker. And him, he blurted out something that means made me confuse. I don't know whether it was his intention or not but what he said that night made everything I've questioned before makes sense. But where do we stand now? Still no strings attached.
 "Time will tell."

What else??

My room mate is pregnant! I am so excited for her! 

So far, I have 4 pregnant friends and 1 new mum. 

Like wow. 

Sometimes I wonder, when is it my turn. Coz I am a big fan of babies and toddlers.

But then, I am in no rush.

So, I guess this should be enough for tonight.

Le Tab is calling me. :)

Until next post.

xoxoxo

Pillow Talks at 3am

9th of  November.

What the hell did I do?

Why the hell did I do it?

He came to my place yesterday around 12am, with his friend. Drunk and still ongoing with the drinking. Oh the noisy laughters of a drunk-head, and yet the infectious laughter that I love and missed. So, talked ( at least they did, I was busy laughing silently) til around 2am. Then his friend went to sleep. He was supposed to sleep as well, being super drunk and all. But he did not.

Ended up talking.

Ah me, the things he told me. The things he advises. The way he said it all.

With him it is always about Fate and Destiny.

Things could have been different between us, but here we are.

Having a comfortable close "brother-sister" relationship.

Fate. Destiny. Life.

Maybe he doesn't know or even realize, but its the little things he did that morning that keeps me smiling today. How he'd pinch my nose when I smile at stuffs he advised, or how he'd ruffle my hair when I agree on certain points of the conversation. The little smile he has when he looks at me. *slapself!*

And that morning, he whispered, "Find someone better. I'm sorry that I am not the one."

"I love you girl, but as a sister."

He never said that.

And he is saying all these when he is drunk.

People say, the words of a drunken are the ones they say from their heart.

I have to be grateful for what I have now.

Don't be selfish and wish for more.

Will listen to his advises, that he repeated over and over again.

But after he left that morning, I will not deny.

I cried. 

For the things that will never be.

*sigh*

Found this poem online.

It says exactly everything I felt.

But A Suppressed Sigh by Anju Addanki

 Nor are you my life.

Nor the air I breathe

Nor I say 'Without you-oh dear I can't live! 

For in such untrue words

My heart doesn't believe

Throughout the life for someone; 

No one ever grieves! 

If it's destiny

and you can't be mine

In your sorrow I won't die! 

Nor this heart

In grief will I tie

With time and wisdom, 

This passion will fly for you! 

No more like today, 

My tears for you will dry! 

Forgetting, this bitter phase

I'aspire for and high! 

No regrets

No complaints, 

My life will pass by! 

But then! There's something-- 

I shouldn't lie-- 

In silence of lone nights--

Life

Without you--

Will be-- 

But, a deeply SUPPRESSED SIGH! 

Exactly how I felt the whole day after our talk.

Gonna try to sleep now.

I am such a mess today.

Thank God for friends around me and the BBQ that helped distract me a bit.

And thank God for more distractions in the days to come.

xoxo

Life.Choices.Decisions.

It started out with a simple question, felt at that moment of time.

"Why is life not fair sometimes?"

And from there on, the advises starts pouring in. And with those advises, the long held back tears started to fall. But luckily it didn't last for long. This time, there's a certain someone that made me laugh even though the tears were still falling.

Here's yet another person that says I am a strong girl. When the fact is, I don't think I am. Well, maybe sometimes I can be. But to always be strong, it's so tiring. Maybe it is my fault for always putting on a smiling brave face for the world to see whenever facing problems but when I am alone safe and sound in my room I would cry my heart out. And yet, what else can I do? Sure, my tears may fall easily. Especially when I am watching a sad movie. But that's it, tears that are evoked from the sad life of others. Real tears that are evoked from my own emotions, very few people has been given the opportunity to see them. Not even my parents. I hide them away. And thus, the high expectation of people that I must always be strong. Especially in times like this. Hence, the issue of life being not fair arises. 

And so, after much thinking on the advises that I have received from two people....I can put it this way.

Yes, life may seem unfair sometimes. These "sometimes" are usually the times where you would let your mind wander off and think of the nonsenses that happened around you. If you were to close your eyes and focus on appreciating the little things that you have now and that is happening around you, you won't feel that life is unfair. And that is what I should do. Appreciate the little things happening that makes me happy, don't think of the what could have been and have faith that God is going to handle the big perfect picture with all the little things that I appreciate...

On people's expectation on me, well...as that someone told me... People may place high expectation on us sometimes and maybe for now we will not be able to live up to their expectations. But it's okay. As time passes and we grow up, we will soon be able to fill those expectations. Go through each day with God in our heart, and things will be okay. Life is about acting too sometimes,to please the people around us when they expect too much from us. But from that, we will soon be able to learn a lot and in time build up our personality. 

On issues of searching for the answers for the questions I have in life, people would always tell me the same thing, "Time will tell". To me, "Time is nothing", and yet this person says that "Time is everything". Allow me to point out something for you all to ponder on. Time is Nothing when you are happy with what you have in life and appreciate all the little miracles around you. But when you are expecting for something more from life, that is when you will see that Time is actually Everything. Am I right or am I wrong?  So, which part of life are you in now? Maybe in between?

Life can be ironic sometimes. To have found that person. To be so close and yet so far. To be so comfortable with him. To only remain friends and as each day passes by, realize that that is all he is and meant to be. To be sad about how things ended up to be and yet in the same time to have him add more laughters in your life. To feel that you have known him for a lifetime even though its has only been a month. To have him give you advises on things that you once hoped from him. But most importantly, to have him give you hope and encourage you more to be excited and not be afraid of the future. Yes, life can be ironic sometimes. And yet maybe, this is a blessing in disguise.

And so as I head off to bed after this, I would hope that I am somewhat a bit wiser and somehow a bit more courageous to face the future.


Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Each and everyone of you.
For making my life seem more beautiful.
I love each and everyone of you.
With all my heart and soul.
Sincerely I do.


xoxoxo

This and That. Here and There.

Hello. It's been a while. Did anyone miss me? I doubt it. No one ever reads my blog. Hahaha.

So, what has been happening? Last sem's results are out (I passed all my units. Yea me!). Sem break's over. I'm back in Miri again. New and final sem starts on Monday. Lost a few friends during the sem break. And, I met up with that some one in Kuching last week.

Refering to my previous post, that some one did not meet up with me in Miri. That saved me a lot from having a nervous breakdown. Haha. And because I would be in Kuching for a friend's wedding, took the chance to meet up with him. Was I nervous? Hell yeah! Super nervous! Felt as if I had to sit for an exam paper and I had not enough revisions. Hahaha.

How did it went?

I made a fool of myself. Because I was super nervous, I clammed up. Got tongue-tied. And so, I think he has the impression that I am a boring person. He kept on asking, "Are you ok?". *sigh* After 7 years, thats the best I could do??? So sorry, but you make me so nervous! And shy.

Can I rewind that evening again and talk more? Ask more? Relax more? But alas. We can never turn back the hands of time. Hahaha. So I just hope, if we were to meet up again (hopefully soon!), I'd be more talkative. More like myself. And can I be more mature?? Coz he's calling me an innocent kid. :S Can't help it, thats just the way I am.

Better go and sleep now. Had a tiring journey. Can't wait for Monday to come! And Sunday! Gonna meet a friend that's gonna be my room mate this sem. FunFunFun!! :)

xoxoxo