What about me?

Head spinning. Heart pumping.

Help me.

Something happen today. Straight away, this song popped into me head.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

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What About Me?

Oh there's a little boy waiting at the counter of a corner shop

He's been waiting down there waiting half the day

We never ever see him from the top

He gets pushed around, knocked to the ground

But he gets to his feet and he says

What about me? This isn't fair.

I've had enough now I want my share

Can't you see I wanna live?

But you just take more than you give

Well there's a pretty girl serving at the counter of the corner shop

She's been waiting back there waiting for her dreams

Her dreams walk in and out they never stop

Well she's not too proud to cry out loud

She runs to the street and she screams

What about me? It isn't fair.

I've had enough now I want my share

Can't you see I wanna live?

But you just take more than you give

So take a step back and see the little people

They may be young but they're the ones

Who make the big people big

So listen as they whisper, "What about me?"

Now I'm standing on the corner of the world's gone home

Nobody's changed nobody's been saved

And I'm feeling cold and alone

I guess I'm lucky I smile a lot

But sometimes I wish for more then I go

What about me? It isn't fair

I've had enough now I want my share

Can't you see I wanna live?

But you just take more

What about me? It isn't fair

I've had enough now I want my share

Can't you see I wanna live?

But you just take more, you just take more

You just take more than you give

What about me?

What about me?

What about me?

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Trying ever so hard to hold back the tears from falling again.

There's no use in crying.

Happy for my friends who had found new love in their life. Hope these new loves will help you forget the pain from the past and give you hopes for a brighter future.

I'll be seeing my new love tomorrow.

Puppies, please cheer me up.

Letter From My Heart.

*contents of this post may be very personal. Tapi ada ku kesah? My blog, my scribbles. Its not as if anyone is reading my blog anyway*

Dear Daddy,
How have you been? Heard that you've been throwing about alot of tempers these few weeks. I know how frustrating it may be for you in this period of life. From working in a high position for a company in a foreign country, to running a simple coffee shop that just doesn't seem to be making profits.. Don't give up Daddy, don't lose faith and hope so easily. Try holding onto your temper. Because I'd love Calvin to know you as the supportive, loving and caring father that I've known during my childhood days. Seems like ages ago when I was a little girl, running to hug you at the door everytime you come home from work. Now, I find it hard to sit down and talk to you. I am trying my best Daddy to make you proud. But do you think you can do your part as well? Take better care of your health. You're not as young as you use to be.. Thank you for always believing in me and encouraging me, no matter whether it was my ballet performance or the struggles in studies that I am going through. I love you Daddy.

Dear Mummy,
Have I ever told you that you are a strong women? I admire you Mummy. Even with all the problems our family are going through, you try hard to hide away your tears. But I do know how hard it is for you, and that you seemed so lonely sometimes. I hope that soon Catherine would be able to sit down and talk to you just like the both of us. Don't be sad Mummy. Please believe that I am trying hard, eventhough I do slip and fall once in awhile. Thank you Mummy for being my inspiration of becoming a strong women. I love you Mummy.

Dear Lil Sister,
Sometimes I do feel as if you're just wasting your time away. You're so stubborn and ignorant sometimes and we'd get into serious fights once in awhile. But the fights never lasts for more than 15mins. After that we'd be laughing and joking around again. You are my best friend, eversince 1990. I'm sorry that I used to feed you false facts when we were little (like brushing our hair 100x b4 going to bed would give us beautiful smooth hair) but the look of fascination on your face is too much to resist. Talking to you, the conversation never seem to stop. We could go on for hours talking and laughing at the same time. You're fun to be with. But try to be more attentive to what's going on around you and not to be too bitter. I love you Mei.

Dear Lil Brother,
Why is it so with Mei the both of you would quarrel like cats and dogs? But you and I seem to get along fine. You know lots of my secrets and always threaten me that you'd spill the beans. But I know you won't. Don't try to grow up so fast, you'll miss out on alot of things. Pay more attention on your studies and don't make Mummy and Daddy worry about you. You'd be fine if you just pay more attention on the finer details in life. The moments that I miss the most with you would be the moments where we'd talk about absurd stuffs over a cup of Milo before going to bed. Which reminds me, you still have to read at least one chapter of any story book before going to bed. I love you silly Boy.


Sometimes its hard for me to talk to my family. I'd get so caught up in my own world that everything else becomes a blur. Besides, everyone expects me to be and act as an adult. Yes, my age might say I'm an adult, but I too am still learning about life. *sigh*

Once upon a time...

Hello. Finished my exams for now. But I still have my deferred papers to study for during the holidays. Hopefully I'd do well. Home does have alot of temptations. Plus 2 puppies that I havn't yet seen. Overall, this had not been a great semester for me. I'm missing my campus buddies (Miss Eva & Miss Debbie), have to handle some personal issues, financial issues and I think I've been feeling demotivated this semester.. I felt so very lost but I try not to show it. *sigh*

During the evening, I read that person's blog again. And this one part seemed to strike me hard. It's the part that said, "aku nang xkan balit ngnnya.ngn ko maybela.p bkn ko mok juak.xkira gne2 pun, apa yg nya buat ya buat aku makin jauh darinya". I know the 'nya' refers to me.. Because of the part that says 'p bkn ko mok juak', since when have I not wanted things to be the way it used to be? So I'm sure that 'nya' refers to me.. Guess what? I didn't cry and I'm not crying.. Maybe later in the middle of the night before I sleep I'll shed a few tears.. But right now, I'm still smiling. Eventhough my heart is hurting like hell...

For the sake of convinient, we'll name this person XX. For the whole 5 years that I've known XX, I've never felt so confused as I'm feeling now. Sure, those of you that do know XX personally might think that I deserve someone better, because of the way XX sometimes bosses me around. But, there is a gentle side of XX that not everyone gets to see. I am one of those very few people. There is a certain way that XX talks or acts when there's only 2 of us that is so endearing. Its usually the simple things that sometimes go by unnoticed. Like the XX would lean in to kiss me on the forehead, or even the way XX would give that sad begging face when asking me to do or buy something for XX. There's way too much for me to describe here.. That is why I keep on saying XX is precious to me..

Even after the incident in 2008 when I discovered that XX was having an affair with a person that is like my own sister, I still find that XX is very precious to me.. Those moments in 2008, there can be no suitable word to describe the pain and betrayal I felt. But I believe that it was my fault. Maybe I didn't pay enough attention. Maybe there was something that I was lack of. Frustrated as I was, I try not to show it. In the end, it was me that XX chose because of the theory that 'Need is more important than Want'. But sometimes, I thought to myself whether it was the right decision. Because even after choosing me, XX still continue to keep in touch with that other girl. And somewhere along that year, they became couples, with me still never leaving XX's side. But even when I was sharing my love with another girl, I am still thankful coz XX still cares about me. Many friends told me I was an idiot and that I should have left. But I don't think they understand.. XX means so much more to me, XX is also my bestfriend and the only one I feel comfortable in confiding everything without having to feel any shame.. *sigh*

And so the triangle continue til end of 2009. Then I had a fight with XX for contacting someone from my past. We agreed to take a break while I went back home for the holiday, with XX telling me that I must wait. I must wait for XX and not give my heart away to anyone else. So waited I did, only to be heartbroken. Returning back to Miri in 2010, I discovered that XX had not waited and had someone new in the short period of my absense. If I thought that the incident in 2008 was bad enough, this new incident was 10 times worse. Friends urged me even more to leave, but I couldn't. How can you have the strength to walk away from everything you've built for the past 5 years? But still XX remain good to me. Even with someone new, XX still spent time with me, doing activities that we normally do.. So heartbroken as I was, I pushed myself to get through. I confess that I had become a terrible person, always being jealous and crying most of the time..

But the worst blow came to me around April when XX broke up with that new gal and hooked up with someone a week after. Rebound. Yeah right. By that period of time, my self-esteem is equivalent to ZERO. Why? There I was, always beside XX through thick and thin, never caring how many time this heart of mine have been hurt. Do you think XX has the sense to see? No. XX goes off into the arms of another girl.. *sobsob* Sometimes, it seems as if I am invisible... Imagine what my friends are telling me to do now after knowing.. But they don't realize, eventhough XX is in a relationship with Girl No 3, most of the free times and even weekends are spent with me.. Its a way of XX's showing that I am more important.. Touched but yet woefully sad in the same time.

Now it's all about XX, me, Girl No 1, Girl No 2 and Girl No 3.. Complicated much? To walk away, I havn't got the strength to do so.

So now you know my story, don't bother to judge me. I'm just a girl trying to get through.

Beep Boop Beep~~ :)

Forgive the unrelated title. I simply have no idea on the title for this post. While thinking on the suitable title, I suddenly remembered something that I posted as my fb status some months ago.

"My heart does not beep, it beats."

Hence, the Beep Boop title. Haha.

Feeling better today. Last night planned to watch a movie with a friend. But then when we arrived the cinema, the ticket was all sold out. *sobsob* So, we ended up sitting at Big Apple eating donuts and chatting till it was almost closing time (staffs pun dah jeling2 bg hint soh cpt pg). But it was the talk after that that made me feel better. Coz I finally know now who am I and how important I am. The way it is shown is different but I know now and I understand.

Needs and wants.
Which will you chose?
You gave me your answer last night.
Thank you.

Even though it still stings a bit, I think I'd be better know. Thank you for finally telling me and making me understand. And I hope that you do know that no matter what happens, you're still precious to me. Always.

Hey, guess what? I am finally ready.
:)

Nothing lasts forever ... ...

The title comes from a long discussion that my friends and I had. *sigh*

This sucks!

I'm really sad today but I'm trying hard not to show it. Trying really hard to look as if everything is okay. All of this started from yesterday. And just now after reading something, my heart hurts even more. Why is it so hard? Why do we always make things complicated?

Do you know that there are times when I feel so strong and understanding. But then there will always be this little pricks of doubts pricking into my heart. Making me feel sad.

Owh silly heart of mine, when will you heal?
Dear little heart of mine, when will you ever learn?

I'm tired la of crying.

This is my heart, it's not a toy.

I love you.

When? When then you'll realize? When will you see?
When I'm gone is it?
When I am no longer around you?
When my heart can no longer take the pain?
When I cannot look at you?
Then you'll see?
Then you'll realize?

It will be too late then my dear.
It would be so much more painful for me then.

Don't please.
Enough.
I don't know how much more my heart can take.

*sigh*

Anyway, lets talk about something else. I've been meaning to write about this for quite a while but I keep on forgetting. I have my custom made bags!



Thank you Ayu! :)

Btw, I messed up. Though that this week was exam week. Did revisions like mad. Woke up early on Monday, (around 4am) and took a shower at 6am. Then I realized that the dates for exam week starts at 14th. Hahahahaha! Silly me.

K. Bye.
Tired of talking.

Glee~

I am hooked onto Glee. Songs from the new episodes are so ... I don't have the right words to describe them. Haha. They even sang Total Eclipse of the Heart. Aww .. It's one of my favourites. Used to dedicate that song to someone back in 2008. Love the Glee version of it. :)

But, there is one particular song that got stucked in my head since the night I watched it. Haha. Run, Joey Run.

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[Rachel Berry]
Daddy please don’t it wasn’t his fault
He means so much to me
Daddy please don’t, we’re gonna get married
Just you wait and see

[Noah Puckerman]
Every night the same old dream I hate to close my eyes
I can’t erase the memory the sound of Julie’s cry
She called me up late that night she said :
Joe, don’t come over
My Dad and I just had a fight
And he stormed out the door

I’ve never seen him act this way,
My God, he’s goin’ crazy
He said he’s gonna make you pay
For what we done, he’s got a gun!

So run, Joey run, Joey run

[Rachel Berry]
Daddy please don’t, it wasn’t his fault
He means so much to me
Daddy please don’t, we’re gonna get married
Just you wait and see

[Jesse St. James]
Got in my car and I drove like mad
Til I reached Julie’s place
She ran to me, with tear-filled eyes and bruises on her face
All at once I saw him there sneaking up behind me (watch-out!)
Then Julie yelled, “He’s got a gun!”
And she stepped in front of me

[Finn Hudson]
Suddenly, a shot rang out and I saw Julie falling
I ran to her, I held her close
When I looked down, my hands were red
And here’s the last words Julie said

[Rachel Berry]
Daddy please don’t, it wasn’t his fault
He means so much to me
Daddy please don’t, we’re gonna get married

aaaaaaah aaaaaaaaaah

Run, Joey run, Joey run, Joey run, Joey run
Joey run, Joey run…..!

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Hehe.
Ok bye.
Have to get back to my revisions.
Final exams.
Grrr~
:S

Lets talk about ... ...

About what?
I don't know. Have no idea really.
But since this is my blog, I am free to talk about whatever I want to.
So buzz off if you don't like what I write.
Understand?
Mun sik suka apa yg aku tulis kat ctok, xboh baca ...
Senang cerita ...
:)

Yesterday after I was tired of revising, I went through a file of love letters. Haha. Cheered me up coz what was on those letters were funny. No, not many romantic stuffs. But lots of cute drawings. I always anticipated on receiving a letter from that person before, just becoz of the drawings. :)

But then, after going through those files made me realized how I have changed. Hurm. I liked myself back then. Eventough the person I have become today is much more wiser, I seem to have lost the sense of finding happiness out of every situation I face. I was always positive. Where has that girl gone? I guess after the incdent that happened to me in 2007, that part of me that was always positive seemed to have vanished. Fear and sadness began to take over, though as hard as I tried to hide it.

Hey, Hey! You, You!
I don't like your girlfriend.
No way, no way.
I think you need a new one.

Haha. Lyrics that had been in my head since April. Just got to wrtie it down. Sorry. :)

Saya ada projek besar mok dipolah tok. Dah dapat persetujuan dah dari orang empu nya badan. Hehehehehehehe. Sangat happy. :)) Moga2 plan tok dapat siap dengan cepat dengan hasil yang produktif. :)

Btw, this song is for you. Reading through those old letters reminds me of this song. It used to be one of our favorites. Do you remember? :) Heard this song last week made me smile. How innocent and naive we were back then, right? Haha. But I do miss those moments. I miss you. I miss us. I miss everything.

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Stay with me
Don't fall asleep too soon
The angels can wait for a moment

Come real close
Forget the world outside
Tonight we're alone
It's finally you and I

It wasn't meant to feel like this
Not without you

Cos when I look at my life
How the pieces fall into place
It just wouldn't rhyme without you
When I see how my path
Seem to end up before your face
The state of my heart
The place where we are
Was written in the stars

Don't be afraid
I'll be right by your side
Through the laughter and pain
Together we're bound to fly

I wasn't meant to love like this
Not without you

Cos when I look at my life
How the pieces fall into place
It just wouldn't rhyme without you
When I see how my path
Seem to end up before your face
The state of my heart
The place where we are
Was written in the stars

I made a few mistakes, yeah
Like sometimes we do
Been through lot of heartache
But I made it back to you

Cos when I look at my life
How the pieces fall into place
It just wouldn't rhyme without you
And when I see how my path
Seem to end up before your face
The state of my heart
The place where we are
Was written in the stars

When I look at my life
How the pieces fall into place
It just wouldn't rhyme without you
When I see how my path
Seem to end up before your face
The state of my heart
The place where we are
Was written in the stars

The state of my heart
The place where we are
Was written in the stars

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:)

Not again, please ...

Once again you have successfully spoiled my mood and our plans.
Thank you.
23 minutes ago, you were posting pictures into a newly created album. Then suddenly you fainted? And some one has to change their plans for tonight just to send you to the hospital.
I don't understand you.
Thank you so much.

*sigh*

Why?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
WHY?!!?

*sobsobsob*
I told myself that I mustn't and wouldn't cry.
But I can't help it ...
:'(

Nvm. I'm used to it.
Used to being in this kind of situation.
Used to being treated this way.
Used to being dissapointed, over and over again.
It's okay.

My life is one big heap of mess.
I need a giant shovel to scoop away all the messes.

I feel like screaming my lungs out.
I need a soothing activity.
Before I get extremely mad and turn into a inconsiderable monster.

*sigh*

I'm a prisoner of love~~

Sore throat. Running nose. Slight fever. *sigh*

Just saw somthing just now that slightly hurt me. I know I should have expected it but still I did not expect that it would still hurt this much. Nevermind la. I should be used to it now. Used to the be treated like this also. Used to not expect anything also. Right?

This is an old song by Utada Hikaru. Loved this song. Loving it even more now. Coz felt like the lyrics talks abit about what I'm going through. I guess I really am just a prisoner of love.

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:'(