Hello poppets.
It's been awhile.
Things has been a bit challenging for me in these few months. The people around me may not notice but I've been struggling. Struggling to keep my sanity and to remain as patient as ever...
After mass today, I met up with some of my babes for Raya Visiting then just a short catch up session with them at Beach Republic. Coming back from this session made me realize how much I really miss them and how much left out I am from their lifes as I listen to their chit-chats. It made me a bit teary as I drove back, made me miscalculated the angle of the car and almost denting it on the gate. My bad, and my first mistake since driving that White Tiger.
I've been keeping this to myself because if I were to voice it out loud, I would be deemed as rude and ungrateful. And believe me when I say that I am ever so grateful. It's just I find it unfair sometimes...
So for the past few months, I've been staying with my relative. I enjoy being with my cousins, they bring out a part of me that makes me miss my sister lesser than usual. And yes, when you're staying with your relatives for free, the only way you can pay them back is to help around the house. This too I don't really mind because as the eldest child and also being a girl, it has always been part of my responsibility at home. So, day by day I'd do my part quietly while the lists of tasks starts to grow. Still I keep quiet and just do my part. Even if I slept late the night before, I'd make sure to force myself to wake up early and start on the list of tasks. If not then I would feel guilty. The earlier I start then the earlier I'd finish and the earlier I can do stuff on my own. I keep quiet and do all this because I wouldn't want to give my parents any reasons to worry or think that I am ungrateful..
And another thing. Staying with your relatives, means you have to respect their lifestyle and also their set of rules. Which means less going out and being stuck at home. I know this is because they worry for our safety and all. Everything and every decision made, there are sure to be reasons for them.
But.. here comes the part I find hard. And difficult to explain because they never ask me.
I'm sorry for going out at nights and making them worry about whether I'd reach home safe and sound. But I am sorry too because I won't stop from going out at night, even if its only 1-2 times a week. Why? I gave up most of my time to go out and be with my babes. And I know most of them has already given up on asking me out for lunch or dinner or just to chill... Because every time they ask, my same reasons and excuses are starting to sound lame. So yeah, I'm cut off from most of my babes' life and activities. But sorry, please don't cut me off from him. It's already unbearable to be only meeting him 1-2 times a week and only getting to spend 2-3 hours together.
Him, working 12 hours a day, 7am-7pm. EVERYDAY. I know how tiring it is for him, and to have him drive all the way out here to pick me up just so we can spend 2-3 hours together. It makes me wanna cry sometimes. And I am always missing him. So I'm sorry but I will continue to make them worry, just so I can get my 2-3 hours with him once or twice a week...
And don't even get me started on his off days. That, that occurs only once in a blue moon. So, I'm sorry again. I will take that chance to spend every hour possible with him. But don't worry. Everytime before going out with him, I always make sure that I've done my duty. Every task expected from me to be done at home, done. So that when I go out, I won't feel guilty of not completing my part.
I'll be 26 this year. I know it is hard for them to adjust themselves to that fact. We children will always be little kids in their eyes. But I just wish they won't worry too much and have more faith. I know I may look blurry and innocent at times, too much that it is possible to be bullied. But hey, I've been through so much more than they will ever know. Yes I'll still make mistakes once in a while, but I need space to breathe.
The fact that we always have to be stuck at home and not really alowed to go out at night eventhough we did our part in te housechores was the main reasons most of my other cousins ran away from staying here. Don't worry. I still have lots of patient and perserverance. I can take anything. Any command, any task. I can do it dutifully and quietly. Just let me have my moments with him.
I'm losing my babes, bit by bit. I can't lose him as well.
So, I am really and truly sorry.
I know how much they have done for me. The magnitude of deeds that they've done to help me, I don't know how much I can pay back. For that, I am grateful and continue to do my tasks at home quietly.
It's okay. Thinking positively, this will be a part of training to settle down in my own home with my own family one day in the future.
But that part of going out at night with him, I will continue being stubborn.
Trying hard to not withdraw back into my shell of silence.
Let's continue smiling shall we?
