Long Hiatus Mode

Hello.

It's already October. And where have I been missing? 

Started a new job at the end of May, at first I threw myself whole heartedly into it. It was the start of a big project. Everything up from scratch. And I, I got stuck doing long Over-times in the offfice. Day after day, week after week, month after month. *sigh* 

I'm lucky Love is understanding. I am working longer hours than he is now. We're so used to him working long hours, we're learning to get use to me working long hours as well. And he has all the patience in the world to go throught this rough period with me.

Amomgst the busy periods, managed to went back to Sri Aman during 1 long weekend and Love joined me too. Visited le Grandparents, my grandma especially was not doing too well. She had a minor stroke and I was shocked to see how much she has changed since the last I saw her. I pray she will hang in there. 

Not enough with all those, Love and I have our own personal problems to solve and settle. Oh the hardness of not being able to share this with any of my girls...but it won't do them any good anyway. The little feelings and sensations I go through and feel each day, I can only keep it to myself. What was meant to be such a happy event, I cannot share. Not even with Love because it will sadden him. And I cannot put him through much more. Sometimes, its true what people say. The person going throught the process has to be so much stronger, because you have to be strong for yourself and the people around you. Doesn't make any sense? You'll understand when certain situation comes to you in the future... 

But then I know Love is trying to be strong for me as well. Love, he is not a persson that is good with words. He doesn't know exactly how to express his feelings. We're different in this. I am into literature, poetries, songs...Love is into gadgets, technology, digital stuffs. So I know how much effort he took when he opened up to me one night by trying to comfort me. He said, no matter how depress or sad I might feel, I must remember that he is always there for me. He will always be there and will never leave. We're just a phone call away. What he said that night made me smile (while trying my best to hold back my tears). 

It will be his birthday this Friday. And he really doesn't ask for much. 

Sometimes I wonder if God is putting us throught these hardship as a test. Or is it a sign? I'm not sure.. 

Anyway, I don't know if this post makes any sense. But me being me, I feel better getting it out in words. 

Good night poppets. Time for bed now. 

I feel old.

xoxo

12.12.12

Tick-tock!

Beautiful date today.

Hello. Just realized that I haven't been blogging since I started working. Been superbly busy, at the end of the days I always end up being too tired or lazy to blog. Actually right now, I am feeling a bit sleepy. But forcing myself to blog, because of the beautiful date today.

So, 12.12.12

12th of December, 2012

This morning I tweeted that 10 years ago, one of my aim and goal in life was to get married on this date. Since 12 is my favourite number, this would have been the perfect date for me. 

Childish wishes and dreams.

:)

Last year I accepted the fact that there's no chance of me getting married on my dream date. So I said to myself, let's at least do sonething during that date to make it memorable. So that in another 10 years, I could think back and remember what I was doing on 12.12.12

So what did I do today?

Woke up early, took a shower, hang out the laundry, cooked rice for doggies' dinner (and also mine), drove to work, tidied up table, checked emails, update training matrix, settle timesheet problems, constantly looking for payslip, go thru list of names on which contract to extend, call here and there, go up and down, drove back home, cooked dinner, took in dry laundry, had dinner, gave doggies dinner, watched Nickelodeon while folding baju, showered, did laundry, checked on love, blog.

Exciting huh? Very memorable.

If I was still staying near to love, would have at least tried dropping by his place with maybe a cake. But we're at each ends of Miri and he is tired from going throught a stressful day. So hey, I'll just let 12.12.12 go.. 

Actually there's lots to blog about. My working life, KL trip to watch Big Bang, le bf meeting my mum, one of my babe's Engagement Dinner, Company Dinner, Pre Christmas dinner, Mammoth Mass, baking Red Velvet, Brunei trip....oh so many.

But tired eyes are asking me to sleep soon....

I feel old... In another 12 more days, I will be officially a year older.

Age is catching up.

Will blog again, hopefully before I fly off to Singapore!

Good night poppets!

Bye 12.12.12

xoxoxo

Reposting

Hello loves.

Reading back on whatever nonsense I wrote on my blog and found this quote I posted up. Fits pefectly in my life situation now, especially after what I blabbed about few post earlier on. 

It's a quote by Nicholas Sparks from his book, The Rescue. 

"People come, people go - they'll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favourite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past."

There's a new important character in my life now.

:)

xoxoxo

Distraction or Motivation

This is a long overdue post.

Been thinking about this for quite some time now.

But never could find the right ways to put it into words.

I guess what triggered me to write this post was because I dreamt of you again. But this time, it was during my short nap after my morning class.

You're in my mind. Not only today, but you've always been there. Every single waking moments, you there. Even when I am laughing with my friends, taking notes in class, talking nonsense with my besties or even jogging along the beach.. You are there, at the back of my mind. 

I don't like it.

I think the main reason I am like this is because I am afraid. Because truthfully, I've never been able to imagine my future with anyone else but you. Yes there has been past relationships and crushes. But you've always been there, in that one corner of my heart.

Why did you go and tell me such things last December? I was doing fine, keeping you safe and sound in that little corner of my heart while I go on with life, mixing around and meeting new people. Those once in a blue moon calls or texts from you was enough. When you starting giving me mixed signals, I was able to laugh it off and convinced myself that you were just being a very concerned close friend. All because I don't want us to drift apart again. But then you just had to go and break down my walls again by saying the big L word to me. As if the L word wasn't enough, you brought up the M word too. And now, where are we?

Those once in a blue moon calls and texts are not enough anymore. I wanna hear from you, everyday! Those mixed signals you give me, I can't shake them off so easily anymore. It confuses me and makes me uncomfortable. Meeting you only once a sem is not enough anymore. I wanna see you more frequently.

You told me that all these while you stayed away from me because you were afraid that you might be a distraction. You were afraid that I would not focus all of my attention into my studies. But then, why do you prefer to stay away in fear of being a distraction? When you could have just stayed and be my motivation? Wouldn't being a motivation be so much better?

I miss you, too damn much that it hurts.
But I am afraid to tell you.
Coz I know it will push you further away than you are now.

fml

xoxoxo

Forgive me...

...but I lied.

You told me it would be hard to find another if I would stick to you. You said it would be hard cause I would be comparing everyone else with you. You said I would miss out a lot if I did not open up my eyes to the other possibilities in life.

And what did I answered?

I smiled and told you not to worry because I would not compare.

But I lied.

Unintentionally.

How can I not compare? 

It's the little things that made me smile.

Sure, we're nothing more than friends that are comfortable with each other.

And I am fine with that.

But still, forgive me.

I am comparing. 

Even though just a bit.

Life.Choices.Decisions.

It started out with a simple question, felt at that moment of time.

"Why is life not fair sometimes?"

And from there on, the advises starts pouring in. And with those advises, the long held back tears started to fall. But luckily it didn't last for long. This time, there's a certain someone that made me laugh even though the tears were still falling.

Here's yet another person that says I am a strong girl. When the fact is, I don't think I am. Well, maybe sometimes I can be. But to always be strong, it's so tiring. Maybe it is my fault for always putting on a smiling brave face for the world to see whenever facing problems but when I am alone safe and sound in my room I would cry my heart out. And yet, what else can I do? Sure, my tears may fall easily. Especially when I am watching a sad movie. But that's it, tears that are evoked from the sad life of others. Real tears that are evoked from my own emotions, very few people has been given the opportunity to see them. Not even my parents. I hide them away. And thus, the high expectation of people that I must always be strong. Especially in times like this. Hence, the issue of life being not fair arises. 

And so, after much thinking on the advises that I have received from two people....I can put it this way.

Yes, life may seem unfair sometimes. These "sometimes" are usually the times where you would let your mind wander off and think of the nonsenses that happened around you. If you were to close your eyes and focus on appreciating the little things that you have now and that is happening around you, you won't feel that life is unfair. And that is what I should do. Appreciate the little things happening that makes me happy, don't think of the what could have been and have faith that God is going to handle the big perfect picture with all the little things that I appreciate...

On people's expectation on me, well...as that someone told me... People may place high expectation on us sometimes and maybe for now we will not be able to live up to their expectations. But it's okay. As time passes and we grow up, we will soon be able to fill those expectations. Go through each day with God in our heart, and things will be okay. Life is about acting too sometimes,to please the people around us when they expect too much from us. But from that, we will soon be able to learn a lot and in time build up our personality. 

On issues of searching for the answers for the questions I have in life, people would always tell me the same thing, "Time will tell". To me, "Time is nothing", and yet this person says that "Time is everything". Allow me to point out something for you all to ponder on. Time is Nothing when you are happy with what you have in life and appreciate all the little miracles around you. But when you are expecting for something more from life, that is when you will see that Time is actually Everything. Am I right or am I wrong?  So, which part of life are you in now? Maybe in between?

Life can be ironic sometimes. To have found that person. To be so close and yet so far. To be so comfortable with him. To only remain friends and as each day passes by, realize that that is all he is and meant to be. To be sad about how things ended up to be and yet in the same time to have him add more laughters in your life. To feel that you have known him for a lifetime even though its has only been a month. To have him give you advises on things that you once hoped from him. But most importantly, to have him give you hope and encourage you more to be excited and not be afraid of the future. Yes, life can be ironic sometimes. And yet maybe, this is a blessing in disguise.

And so as I head off to bed after this, I would hope that I am somewhat a bit wiser and somehow a bit more courageous to face the future.


Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Each and everyone of you.
For making my life seem more beautiful.
I love each and everyone of you.
With all my heart and soul.
Sincerely I do.


xoxoxo

Seriously?

Okay. 

Fresh start. New clean slate. 

PLEASE!!!! 

 A sister? Seriously? 

Like serious seriously??

*sigh*

Fine.. Sister then..

*Adjustment mode on*

Almost there! もおすこし!!

My last paper is today! Yea!


That's how I feel. :S

Darn tiring la exams ...

;P

So close and yet so far

*sigh*

Where to start?
How to start?

Somethings not right ..
Yes there's still smiles and laughters.
But sometimes I wonder, those smiles and laughters seems more 'friend-like'. What's happening?

Even if I see you everyday, the feeling still stays the same.
No matter how hard I try to ignore it, it's there.
The fact that it seems like you're drifting further away from me ... ...
Why?
Why?

*sigh*

Not a clear msg ... :'(

This morning when I woke up, I found out that my credit for my 01****5837 was deducted. From RM45 to RM9.80 .. Nebes la aku~!! N sgt2 mrh juak. So I called the Customer Service to inquire why. After pressing this and that and listening to some promotions, finally I was "entertained".

So I told her
"Blablablablabla (describing what has happen and asking why it happened)".

*After checking through their system*
She said,
"Blablablablabla (telling me there's no deduction or whatsoever)".

So I told her again,
"Blablablablablabla! (insisting that there was a deduction~!!)"

Then she said,
"Blablablablablabla (informing me that I can see my statement on9)"

And so, on9 I did. Clicking this, clicking that .. Checking here, checking there .. Still can't find out where my missing RM30 is. *sigh~* So, I called Customer Service again. Went through the whole process of pressing this and that and listening to the promotions AGAIN. This time I got a much more helpful person. So ...

"Blablablablablabla (told her my situation and what has happen)"

*After listening carefully*
"Blablablablablabla? (asked me when my last top up was, previous balance,
and transactions I did)"

So, sadfully
"Blablablablablabla (told her everything she needs to know)"

*After putting me on hold so she can check the old system*
"Blablablablablabla (confirmed my reload history and previous balance. Went thru the whole transactions I did)"

Suddenly,
"Blabla? Blablablablabla (deduct RM30 on 22nd April? Supposed to be RM15 only)"

*After checking for 22nd April*
"Blabla.Blablablablabla ( Yes. There was 2 transaction. RM15 and RM30)"

Oh no ... When I found out where my RM30 had gone, I was mad and sad at the same time ..

Sadly,
"Blablabla? Blablablabla (asking her to really confirm. Because from what I knew was different)"

Politely answered,
"Blablablablabla (cofirmed my transaction)"

So, frustratingly I replied
"Blablablablablabla (telling her the promotions and information given are misleading)"

Politely,
"Blablabla. Blablablabla (says sorry but there's nothing she can do)"

In the end,
"Blablabla. Blabla. (thanked her and said bye)"


So, do you want to know where my RM30 went? The ever-so-kind service provider deducted my RM30 for a subscription that I thought was free. Because I read, "Reload RM30 and get 1 year validity!". So reload I did and subscribe I did. Suddenly, bye-bye RM30~~





Misleading Information. Ms.Fidella~!! I have a good example now to share in MOS class~

Moments ... ...

There are moments when we would feel as if there's nothing in the world that can stop us, or as if nothing would affect what we are feeling. It's as if the moment was meant to be and we would never want it to end. Just like a full blooming rose. A magical, enchanting moment that just takes your breathe away~

And yet, try as we may to make those moment last ... Nothing lasts forever. Things will come and go. Seasons changes, people changes as well. And so, as time passes by, the full blooming rose will wither away and eventually die.

No one can stop changes from happening. We would just have to learn to adjust ourselves to these changes and live on with our life.

p/s: Sorry couldn't explain any clearer. Just having those moment in my life where I feel like talking in riddles.

Hmm ... ...

Tell me why?

Tell me how?

Puzzle in my mind ...

Who are u? This isn't the first time I saw u in my dream. At night when I sleep, you would come to me. And yet when I wake up, I won't be able to recall your face, nor the sound of your voice. Just your gestures ...

But still, who are you? The mysterious person whom I've dreamt of more than once ...

This is for you~

Once in awhile, I don't like what I'm feeling. It feels as if the whole world is lying to me right into my face. When I seek for assurance, I don't get it. I don't feel as if the truth is being told. But I would tell myself from time to time to not bother on these matters. Pay more attention on what makes you happy, not sad.

At these times, I don't really know how to write what I feel. Its as if I have no words to describe. So for me, songs are appropriate.

For today, the song that's been playing in my mind is Umbrella.



Dedicated to sum1. How much longer? How much further?



" When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella~ "

My mind is in disturbia ...

I received a message from sum1 just now in FS. He was asking about sum1. If any of u read my FS blog, that sum1 he was asking about would be XX. Warghhh~!! Haruska bt aku t'igt gik ngn XX ya? Maka aku da semakin ok da .. Huhu.

Now this guy, he is my bestie's boyfren. 6 years now and still going strong. Then why was he asking about XX you may ask? Well those that read my FS blog, kan aku ada crita kat sia yg I will never be able to forgive XX? I still can't forgive XX, but I'm gradually learning to ignore on XX's existence. The main reason why I cannot forgive XX? Well, yes XX hurted this sum1 very dear to me. Not once, maybe twice or thrice. How has XX hurt this sum1? Well, after hurting me by taking away this sum1 dear to me, XX hurted that sum1 dear by going away and giving dat sum1 dear back to me. As if nya ya benda, bkn manusia. Memang I was happy, but in the same time I was sad coz I know, mek 2 mpun relationship will never be the same anymore.

More trobles and turbulance followed after that. But the 1 big major event that made me really hate XX was when I found out XX ya bbait blt ngn sum1 dear ya. XX made this sum1 trust in XX and made that sum1 start syg blt ngn XX. After dat, you know what she did? She told that sum1, yg nya dah start suka ngn org len and org len ya kiranya nya mpun ex-bf. wth!!

Wait~!! The best part is yet to come ... I found out by accident who was XX ex-bf (which was the one yg nya da start syg blt coz nya salu msg XX and salu kat dpn mata XX). That guy, he is my bestie's boyfriend. For SIX years now~!! Makin la aku mrh nak? Dala mrampas gerek aku, lukakan hati gerak aku ya, now nak mrampas gerek BESTFREN aku. Warghh~!! Unforgivable~!!

When dat sum1 dear found out, apa lagik. Pegila nya mrh2 kat XX ya. Pdh tok la, ya la ... pdh xkan maafkanla, xkan crk nya gik la, apa la ... ( Yeah rite~ Whatever~) While me? I kepo2 la. Go ask this guy yg nya knl x ngn XX ya. And you know what? He DENIED EVERYTHING!!! When XX found out that he was taken, by my bestfren lagik ya, XX say la yg nya xtauk apa2. Nya xkan crk lgk laki ya. Apa2la ..

Huhu. That's why now XX is trying very hard to ambik blt dat sum1 dear to me. As for me? I give dah. Come what may. I'll just assume XX doesn't exist. I'm happy that why. I won't nag, I won't throw tantrums, I won't cry, I won't be selfish. I'll just go on my way. Live.Love.Laugh. That's what I'll do.

Friends, thanks for making everyday of my days so filled with laughters.

p/s: Bodo laki ya tyk ngn aku sal XX. Buat aku emo jak igt blt ngn XX bodo ya. Maka aku dah hepi2 da xigt sal nya. Ktkorg mok tauk apahal nya tyk? Sebab nya mok pdh kat aku yg bestfren aku ya cinta sejati nya dr dlk gik. O tedah XX kn main gik. Sak nya. Sapa srh nya g mainkan perasaan org lain, kan? What goes around, comes around. Warghh~!! Aku emo~!! Dala. This is so not me.

Live.Love.Laugh

When was the last time someone looks you in the eye and told you that he/she loves you? And you know that he/she is saying that straight from the heart ...

For me it feels like centuries ago. Haha. Kesian kan? I mean, yes I do get those "I Love You's" now and then but lately, I don't know whether it's being said because that person really means it or because it's an obligation .. Hurm .. sad sad sad ... But nevermind. Coz I know where we stand right now. Been through this like a dozen times ... Can't keep on being weak right? Yep it's tough but I'll manage.

For now, I'll just Live, Love and Laugh .. (even if it kills me).

p/s: I LOVE YOU~!! ;P