My December

Last week, I listened to an old CD of mine by Linkin Park. Heard the song My December. And the lyrics, really says what I'm feeling in this December..

December has always been my favourite month. Christmas!! Birthday!! Holidays!! Yes, I love December. That is why my favourite number has always been 12.

But this year, I feel a bit lonely in December.
12/12
My favourite date of the year. My oh so perfect dream date.
This year, I dread that date.
:'(

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My December



Lyrics:

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things that I said
To make you
Feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things that I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow-covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things that I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

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Wish 2010 would faster end...

:'(

Guess guess guess?

People always say that a picture says a thousand words.

What does this picture says?

:)

Nitey-nite.

Spontaneous? Huh.

What did I do to deserve all this?

For the few past years, I've been trying to move on, forgive and forget. I've made very little progress so far. But when someone from my past re-appeared into my life, he helped the process become lighter. With all the turmoil going on in my life, he helped me believed that I will get better and that I will finally be able to let go.

See, I used to have a crush on this person. He re-appeared during the moments when I felt so beaten up. Tired of everything, tired of pretending. I was dying inside wile on the outside I put on my happy face. I was miserable. But when he re-appeared, I suddenly remembered how fun it used to be. Laughters everywhere. He made me feel like the me I used to be. No worries, no pretends. Just being me. I liked it. Very much. But I doubt that he knows.

I told myself I would not fall for him again. It's too dangerous. Not when my heart still loves XX. But I guess some old flames are hard to be completely extinguished. Little by little, when he made me feel like the old me, some of the little feelings I had for him began to resurface. What should I do? And he was no help either by using endearment terms with bits of hints here and there.

Till one day, made a fool of myself. *sigh* I unconsciously told him that I might be falling for him again. Would he stay this time? Sh*t! Stupid, stupid, stupid! Should had just changed my number after that and pretend that I no longer existed on Earth. But I did not. And so the next day,he told me ever so sweetly, he can't. 'Coz he was afraid that he would not always be able to be there for me when I need him. So why don't we take things slow for a mo' and be spontaneous. Go with the flow and see what happens. Me, being the idiotic person who can never really explain what I wanted to actually say, I just said OK.

So, almost a year had past. What has happened to us? Few calls once in awhile with some sms-es in between. Few I miss you's were exchanged with a joke here and there.

Then the bombshell. 2 weeks ago, after a concerned conversation, he told me he's getting married next year.

......

And what did I say in reply? "Congrats!" "I'm so happy for you!"

:'(

Yes I know. Stupid me. But what else should I had said?

So, I told myself that it's ok. It was never meant to be between us. And I continued on with my happy face plastered outside, not knowing what else I should do or say.

But, are you ready for another Earth-shattering news?

When I couldn't take it any more, I turned to my old bestie, who happened to be friends with the old-flame guy. I told her that I didn't know that we were supposed to stop being spontaneous until he told me that he's getting married. :'( Guess what she told me ...

She asked, getting married? To whom? 'Coz a few weeks ago, he just broke up with one of her friends. She din tell me anything about them being together because she thought there was nothing happening between us.

So, all this while he was in a relationship with another? That was all I could think of.

What did I do to deserve all this?

I give up.

MY PERFECT NIGHTMARE

:: Another 30th. *sigh* Keep trying to erase that number but I can't ::

Finally! I've found a song that says exactly what I felt. Haha.

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Lyrics

Sometimes we fight, sometimes I cry
Why don't I just tell him goodbye
Sometimes I should, but sometimes I don't
Build up the strength to say that it's wrong
Sometimes I hate, sometimes I love
Sometimes I hurt, sometimes I don't
Sometimes I wait for him to change
But it's okay I've disguised the pain (yeah)

And I don't ever wanna leave him alone
They say I'm brain washed

But I'm in love with this man (yeahhh)


Keep telling myself that its not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream

No way, no way, no way,

No way, no way, no way, no way
But if it's from you I dont mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect nightmare

Sometimes I keep it cool, sometimes I let him know

Sometimes I even pack my bags to walk out the door
Sometimes I feel safe, sometimes I really don't
Sometimes I promise that I'm ready to let him go

But I don't ever wanna leave him alone

They say I'm brain washed

But I'm in love with this man (ooooh)

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream

No way, no way, no way,

No way, no way, no way, no way

But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect nightmare

Hoping he's changing, but I'm scared he's not
Can't see a way to leave, help me open my eyes

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it (no way)
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting (don't mind hurting)
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream

No way, no way, no way,
No way, no way, no way, no way
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect nightmare

No way, no way, no way,
No way, no way, no way, no way
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect nightmare

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Finally!

Especially the chorus:

"Keep telling myself that its not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare"

Dream on, dream on ..

:: Midnight blues ::

What should I do? Why do I keep on having these feelings?

Feelings as if I don't belong here anymore.

There's always this sense of uneasiness.

*sigh*

You make me happy, you make me sad.

You're the reason for my laughters, and also for my tears.

When I'm with you I am calm and content.

Yet in the same time , you'd start a mini storm inside of me.

I'm so clueless.

What should I do?

Adaka patut ***** padah mun aku cium XX lak mulut aku kembang esok harinya? Sedih aku nya padah aku camya. Aku sik pernah pun minta apa2 jaik terjadi kat nya. Bila nya sakit gik aku risau, salu wish nya cepat sembuh. Tapi kenak nya padah camya kat aku pulang? Sedih aku. Dala mok anta 'benda' ya datang sebab takut aku polah benda pelik. Perlukah? Ya aku sik suka mun ada melibatkan 'benda2' camya. Sik suka alu jak aku. Psycho alu jak. Sedih eh aku. Jangan jak aku mimpi buruk lagi malam tok. Tapi cgek la aku heran. Kenak nya takut alu aku akan buat apa2 dgn XX sampe pelu padah camya? Aku rasa bukan aku yang nya pelu takut. 'Coz ada sorang yang lain gik. :'( Leave me alone bah..

*sigh*

What should I do?

FML

*gasp*

I don't know why but lately I've been having really really bad dreams. Recently it had gotten worse. Huhu. I know before this I've had bad dreams before but it is usually about some one else. This time my dreams (or should I say nightmare) is all about me. Sometimes the dream would be really bad that I'd wake up gasping for air, sometimes even crying.

I don't really remember all of my dreams or even every details of the dreams I had. But I knew there was one thing in common for all of those dreams. ***** was always in those dreams. My friends said that I was thinking too much. But sometimes, those dreams would come even when I had not a single thought of ***** the whole day.

Few weeks ago, I dreamt that when I return to my room after classes, I found that my room had been ransacked. Everything was in disorder. Across the wall in red paints were the words 'Perempuan Keji' and so on. While I was cleaning up my room, I received a message from ***** asking me whether I liked her little artwork.

Last week, I dreamt that I was running as hard as I can 'coz ***** was chasing after me while waving around a parang. ***** kept on screaming at me to leave XX and her alone and that I should just mind my own business. Do you know how scary it felt? No matter how hard I ran, ***** was always a few steps behind me.

Few days ago, I dreamt that I was tied onto a chair while ***** and her family stood around me. Then one by one, they started to slapped me in the face. While they slapped me, they kept on saying that they doing this 'coz I deserved it. That's what I get for disturbing ***** relationship with XX. Even the little niece slapped and scratched me. The pain I felt in that dream felt so real that when I woke up, I checked my arms and legs expecting to see scratch marks left there.

Last night was the worse dream of it all. I was being chopped, alive. *sobsob* It was terrible. ***** was standing there, looking at me with malice reflecting in her eyes. In her hand was an axe (sounds like any ordinary horror movie right. Not funny.). She kept on saying over and over again that I was a hypocrite. That I should have stayed away from XX and just leave the both of them to be. I should have minded my own business and erase XX from my mind. And while ***** was saying all of this, she began to chop of my hands, SLOWLY. Then my feet. Then she dragged a blunt knife over my neck, drawing blood from the shallow wound. She said that I should just bleed to death. That dream seemed so real that when I woke up, my pillow was wet from tears. Luckily I didn't cried out loud or else I would have a hard time explaining my dreams to my room mate. But the pain, ow the pain. I cannot find the words to describe the pain I felt. Hurts even more than a heartache. :( Lets just say I hope to never feel such pain in reality.

Now, I'm afraid of *****. I know that she did not really do any of those stuff, nor will she ever do it in reality. But I cannot deny, I am afraid of *****.

What should I do?

Please, please, please go away silly unrealistic bad dreams. :'(

p/s: Saya ada cuci kaki sebelum tidur ok?

No one's really listening.

:'(

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Lyrics

She had a smile that could light up the room in seconds

I got lost in her blue eyes in conversation
And she told me her dreams and she trusted in me for hours
I held her hand and whispered away my secrets

Nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
And no one's really listening
Too blinded by the glare to ever stop and care
Yeah, no one's really there when you need them
So hold on to who you are
'Cause nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
Just falling stars on silver screens

She had a smile that could light up the room in seconds
With tears after midnight, she told me she lost direction
While the world was asleep, she was up telling me it was over
I held her tight for a moment and I was speechless

Nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
And no one's really listening
Too blinded by the glare to ever stop and care
Yeah, no one's really there when you need them
So hold on to who you are
'Cause nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
Just falling stars on silver screens

Last thing I heard, she became a star
Followed her dream, she followed her heart
She left a message in the middle of July
Said you were right and I realized

Nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
And no one's really listening
Too blinded by the glare to ever stop and care
Yeah, no one's really there when you need them

So blinded by the glare to ever stop and care
Yeah, no one's really there when you need them
So hold on to who you are
'Cause nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
Just falling stars on silver screens

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:'(

Dootdoo dootdootdoo~~

:)

I went to someplace special to me today. Been quite sometimes since I last went there. Brings back special memories. Was kinda sad, yet happy in the same time. Haha.

Can we go back there on the 30th of August 2011?

I will do anything I can to be there, will you?

Btw, my sis came to Miri on Saturday. Even though I only spent like 2 hours with her, it felt like home. I miss her already. Mei, why can't you stay longer? Then I can do more many activities with you. Next time 'kay?

Better go to bed now.

:)

Listening to ... ...

Fight the Bad Feeling by T-Max

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Translation

What do I do.

I keep having a bad thoughts.

I'm sorry.

I know that I can't be like this

if I say that it's a lie, a lie

will my heart go back

tears fall

I can't even look at you because I'm so sorry

my heart hurts

what do I say first

I can't think.

dootdooo dootdootdoo dootdooloo dootdoot dootdoo

bbamba bbambamba

You keep making me have bad thoughts

the heart that's forgetting you

is not a good heart to me

it's such a bad heart

it's a bad heart. It's a bad heart

our love will never go away.. never.

Making me have bad thoughts

the heart that's forgetting you

is not a good heart to me

it's such a bad heart

it's a bad heart. It's a bad heart

erasing our love.. It's such a bad thought.

I don't like farewells..

just breaking up with you.. I don't like it even if I die.

Kindly

just think of me kindly

warmly

if you just say one word

I have no other wish.

dootdooo dootdootdoo dootdooloo dootdoot dootdoo

bbamba bbambamba

You keep making me have bad thoughts

the heart that's forgetting you

is not a good heart to me

it's such a bad heart

it's a bad heart. It's a bad heart

our love will never go away.. never.

Making me have bad thoughts

the heart that's forgetting you

is not a good heart to me

it's such a bad heart

it's a bad heart. It's a bad heart

erasing our love.. it's such a bad thought.

I don't like farewells..

just breaking up with you.. I don't like it even if I die

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From the Korean Drama, Boys Over Flowers.

*Korean Drama Mode*

:)

The Chinese Side of Me

I told you I'm really bad in Chinese right? But that doesn't mean I don't listen to Chinese songs (though I am a bit ketinggalan).

This song's lyric is so sweet. And I love the melody as well. :)

男人女人

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Translation

Ai ai ai ai le ji hui
Love, love, love, having loved a few times,
Ye ming bai qi zhong zi wei
I've understood its inherent taste.
Fu chu de chong lai bu hui deng yu shou hui
What you've given out will never be equal to what you receive.
Wo que hai zai deng dai zhe shei neng chu xian
I'm still waiting for whomever it is to appear.

Shang shang shang shang le ji hui
Hurt, hurt, hurt, being hurt for a few rounds,
Ye ceng jing wei ai qiao cui
I too have become wan and pallid because of love.
Ai qing li hao ren zong bi huai ren lang bei
In love, the good guy is always more discomfited than the bad guys.
Wo que hai shi xue bu hui hen xin dui shei
But I still can't get the hang of being cruel towards anyone.

Nan ren nan ren duo xi wang ni shi hao ren
Man, man, how I hope that you are a good man.
Duo xi wang yong ni de zhen rang wo bu bi zai xin teng
How I wish that you'd use your sincerity to wipe away the pain in my heart.
Nv ren nv ren wo da ying zuo ge hao ren
Woman, woman, I promise to be a good man.
Wo da ying yong wo yi sheng lai huan ni de kuai le yi sheng
I promise to use my whole life, to exchange for your life-long happiness.

Ai ai ai ai le ji hui
Love, love, love, having loved a few times,
Ye ming bai qi zhong zi wei
I've understood its inherent taste.

Fu chu de chong lai bu hui deng yu shou hui
What you've given out will never be equal to what you receive.
Wo que hai zai deng dai zhe shei neng chu xian
I'm still waiting for whomever it is to appear.

Shang shang shang shang le ji hui
Hurt, hurt, hurt, being hurt for a few rounds,
Ye ceng jing wei ai qiao cui
I too have become wan and pallid because of love.
Ai qing li hao ren zong bi huai ren lang bei
In love, the good guy is always more discomfited than the bad guys.
Wo que hai shi xue bu hui hen xin dui shei
But I still can't get the hang of being cruel towards anyone.

Nan ren nan ren duo xi wang ni shi hao ren
Man, man, how I hope that you are a good man.
Duo xi wang yong ni de zhen rang wo bu bi zai xin teng
How I wish that you'd use your sincerity to wipe away the pain in my heart.
Nv ren nv ren wo da ying zuo ge hao ren
Woman, woman, I promise to be a good man.
Wo da ying yong wo yi sheng lai huan ni de kuai le yi sheng
I promise to use my whole life, to exchange for your life-long happiness.

Nan ren nan ren duo xi wang ni shi hao ren
Man, man, how I hope that you are a good man.
Duo xi wang yong ni de zhen rang wo bu bi zai xin teng
How I wish that you'd use your sincerity to wipe away the pain in my heart.
Nv ren nv ren wo da ying zuo ge hao ren
Woman, woman, I promise to be a good man.

Bu hui zai rang wo (ni) xing teng yi deng zai deng
To refrain from letting me (you) being hurt, and waiting again and again.
Ni jiu shi wo deng de na ge ren
You are the one that I was waiting for.

Nan ren nan ren

Man, man
Nv ren nv ren
Woman, woman
Duo me xi wang ni shi dui de ren
How I yearn that you are the correct partner.

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Nice meaning kan?

The last phrase, "How I yearn that you're the correct partner" is so sweet.

More quotes

Just found these 2 quotes while browsing thru the internet just now. Speaks out to me. :)

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"Often when we realize how precious those seconds are, it's too late for them to be captured because the moment has passed. We realize too late."

~ Cecelia Ahern

"People come, people go – they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past."

~ Nicholas Sparks

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Yes, I'm a quote-freak. It's my way of forgetting my problems.

Midnight Thoughts

Been a while since I blogged late at night. :)

My thoughts for tonight, we don't always get all that we want. Right?

I've been through a lot. My life has been nothing but dramas and dramas. But I bet a lot of those around me doesn't realize. Haha. Can't blame them when I'm the one trying so hard to hide the truth thats happening. I'm sorry. :)

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There's a lot of things that I've hoped and wished for. Some of it has been fulfilled, some not. *sigh* Sometimes it bugs me that there's so many things that I've wanted and yet can't have. Take my love life for an example. I've never, never, never wanted my relationship to end this way. And never in a million years would I've wanted to find out that the person I'm so in love with can have feelings for different girls in the same time. It's so complicated. It saddens me that many of my hopes and dreams were never fulfilled. But hey, we can't always have it all. :)

I'm learning to look at the bright side. Be thankful for what you had and have. Don't dwell too long on thoughts of how it would have been or unfulfilled wishes. Don't grapse too tightly onto dreams that will never be. Don't cling too long onto memories of the past.

I'm doing that. Bit by bit. And hey, I can say that I'm 50% healed. :)

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So, the lesson? Be thankful for what you had and cherish what you have.

Off to bed now. Nitey-nite.

p/s: Out of all the things I want in life and have or havent received; you are by far the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you.

Don't judge me!

Found this when I was going thru my sent items in FB. Something that I did when I was bored.

Mi corazón :: Means my heart in Spanish

Mon cheri :: Means my dear in French

Cara mia :: Means my beloved in Italian

Schätzchen :: Means darling in German

Liubóv' moýa :: Means my love in Russian

Min elskede :: Means my love in Danish

Sirelis :: Means my beloved in Armenian

Moja sloneczko :: Means my sunshine in Polish

Bǎobèi :: Means precious in Mandarin

My heart's dearest :: Means YOU in Christine

Haha. Don't judge me! :)

Once in a while :)

Once in a while, I'll listen to BM songs. There's one song that I liked but never bother to find out bout the tittle. Until the karaoke session we had during Raya. :) It's Ceritera Cinta. Haha.

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I'm lost ...

Have you ever recalled how you used to be and seemed surprised at the difference with whom you've become? Ever wondered what has happened and wished that you could turn back time? Or maybe just feeling utterly helpless and so confused? I have.

It's just as the lyrics of Disney's Mulan OST, Reflection said,

"Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?

Why is my reflection someone I don't know?"

Aku sik suka la dengan apa yang aku dah jadi. Jeles, pemarah, susah nak trust. Sapa tok? Bukan aku ya. Mun banding dengan dolok, jauh sekali beza eh. Aku sik mok. Sik suka. Lelah bah aku macam tok. Terpaksa sentiasa berpura-pura. Kena sentiasa senyum, tahan jak sakit. Sik mok .. Aku mok tetak terbabak-babak macam dolok. Sik pelu nak tapok apa-apa. Senyuman yang ada kat muka aku pun a smile of pure happiness. Ow, take me back to those days. please. Mun kawan-kawan aku dari High School nangga aku kinek tok mesti sidak sik kenal sapa tok. Sedih eh!

That's why I'm giving up on love. Been through too much and all the hurt I've kept bottled up inside had turned into poisoned, changing the who I am. I'm not meant to love and be loved in return. Look at what I've become. No, I can't go through everything again ..

Love was never meant to be for me ..

I feel so lost sometimes. I don't even know who am I anymore.

:'(

SOS

Help anyone?

Emptying my mind/.

It's time to clear out the clutters in my brain. *sigh*

So many things to say, so little words to describe them.

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You told me that every girl would love to be in my place. Always together, able to do everything together. Yes, I'm thankful to be here. But what they don't know is the pain I have to hide every single time I see you happily in love with another. The lies I tell myself to make me feel better so that I can be stronger. No, they don't know. It's not easy to be me, to be in this place.

I'm doing a little scrapbook. Gathering memories of what it used to be. Hopefully when I've finished that scrapbook, I'd be ready to completely leave. And I mean really2 leave.

What should I do?

Just got back from campus. *sigh* I'm in trouble. Found out last night that the Uni did not enrolled me for any units for this semester. Sh*t. Last week when I viewed my Enrollments, all of the units that I applied for was there. Now, 2nd week of the semester, I don't have any units.

Die, die, die ...

How can I go for any classes if I'm not enrolled at all?

Went to asked about it just now. They're trying to sort it out. So all I can do now is to just sit in my room and wait for their calls. *sigh* Why does this kinds of stuffs always happens to me?

So now, what should I do if they say they can't enroll me for any units because it's too late to do enrollments? What should I do?

Oh Dear~~

Last week, since classes had not started yet I 'wasted' away my time watching a Korean drama titled You're Beautiful. Ever since then, the songs from that drama has been replaying in my head. But there's one particular song that I absolutely loved from the drama. Without A Word (I think that's the name).

There's actually 3 version of this song. By 9th Street, Park Shin Hye and Jang Geun Suk. But, I especially like Jang Geun Suk's version of the song. His character in that drama appeals to me. Hahaha. A nice boy trying to hide who his real personality by acting cool and unconcerned. So cute. :)

The meaning of this song is quite sad. But I like it. Goes well on telling what happened in the drama.

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Translation:

I shouldn’t have done that,
I should have pretended not to know
like I didn’t see it, like I couldn’t see it
I shouldn’t have looked at you in the first place

I should have pretended I wasn’t listening
like I didn’t hear it, like I couldn’t hear it
I shouldn’t have heard your love in the first place

Without a word, you made me know what love is
Without a word, you gave me your love
Made me fill myself with your every breath
Then you ran away

Without a word, love leaves me
Without a word, love abandons me
Wondering what to say next
My lips were surprised
It came without a word

Why does it hurt so much?
Why does it hurt continuously?
Except for the fact that I can’t see you anymore, and that you’re not here anymore
otherwise, it’ll be just the same like before

Without a word, you made me know what love is
Without a word, you gave me your love
Made me fill myself with your every breath
Then you ran away

Without a word, love leaves me
Without a word, love abandons me
Wondering what to say next
My lips were surprised

Without a word, tears starts falling down
Without a word, my heart is broken

Without a word, I waited for love
Without a word, love hurts me
I’ve become transparent, I’ve become a fool
and I cry just by looking at the sky

Without a word, separation finds me
Without a word, the end comes to me
It took my heart by surprised
To send you away unexpectedly
It came without a word

Without a word, love appears
Without a word, love vanishes
Like a fever I’ve had, maybe all I have to do is hurt for a while

Because in the end, the only thing that remains are scars

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I think I'm gonna watch this drama again.

Hehe. :P

Friendship Day

It's Friendship Day today. I forgot. Haha.

When I was in High School, I use to make little cards for my friends on Friendship Day. I miss doing that. Wonder whether my friends remember all those stuffs we use to do on Friendship Day. Hm.. I miss my friends.. Especially those from High School. When can we get together again? It has been almost 7 years now since we've last gathered together. Gosh I feel so old! Haha.

Went swimming today. Tired. But I had a great time. Let's go again!

And I now have a room mate. Bye-bye freedom and total privacy..

What else? Hm.. I dunno. Feeling really sleepy..

HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY Everyone. :)

Hm..

I think you're right. I am torturing myself. But sometimes, I can't help it. It itches. I have to know. I have to find out. Though now I am better in controling myself. I hope. Still my heart still hurts once in a while.. Hopefully soon it won't hurt at all. Be patience little heart. Don't go opening up wounds that haven't healed completely.

Encouragement or Sarcasm?

Taken from the entrance of a high school.

You decide.

:)

Rollie Pollie Ollie~~

I miss my dogs.

Back home whenever I get bored or maybe feel a tad bit lonely, I'd go outside and look for my dogs. At the sound of the door opening, they would come running. Especially puppies. I love having tiny puppies surrounding me. But only if they don't jump up and scratch me. That is why dinner time for the dogs is the moment I dread the most. Sometimes, the dogs would listen to me and just sit quietly waiting for their food. But there are moments when they become too eager, they'll start jumping up and down, onto your body. *sigh* Though I dread those moments, at times like these when I feel completely bored, I wish I was back home and it's dinner time again.

Lollie has grown so fast in just 3 months. Even though he seem so tall, inside he's still a playful puppy. He even still have his baby teeth! Silly dog.. Ever since we adopted him as our dog, there's never been peace and quiet. He's always around, pestering us. Even when there's no one outside for him to pester, he'll find some other ways to amuse himself. Once I even caught him laying on the floor alone playing with a piece of cardboard. *sigh*

Here some pictures of Lollie. I miss bullying him. :)

Owh! I almost forgot. Old Lohan has become our personal Mouse Hunter. Mum always said that that nose of his is unreliable. But guess what, he was right. The place that he kept on sniffing, there was a little mouse hiding.

I miss my doggies.

My little heart must be brave!!

I'm tired. Truly I am.

My life is one big mess. Mum and Dad fighting almost everyday. Siblings ignoring what my parents are going through. Financial state is in trouble. Can't concentrate 100% on my studies. And my heart is still mending from the hurt it's going through.

I am so very tired.

Heart aches are my constant companion now. Tears are not so far behind.

Everyone expects me to be strong. Yes, I am strong. But only on the outside. Inside, I'm just another weak girl.

Does anyone really understand the pain I am going through day by day? There are times when I believe that everything will be okay and that the pain is slowly starting to disappear. But it's only an illusion. The pain comes back 10 times stronger. And there's nothing I can do except hide my feelings and put on a brave face for the world to see. Alone in my room, I just break down and cry my heart out.

There's no one I can really talk to now, to share my feelings, to help me enlighten my burden. Besides, I don't dare to talk freely with another.. I can't take the sympathies in their eyes when I tell them my problems. Or even if I break down in front of them. The one person that I could pour my heart out to can't be here for me anymore. There's another more needy than me .. My problems are nothing compared to hers .. :'(

Do you know how much it hurts? How tired I am? So very much that there are times I wish I could just die... Just lie down and die. No more pain. That's how serious my situation is now.

Dear little heart of mine, how much more pain must you endure? How much longer can you pretend that everything is okay?

Words and advises are easy to give out. But doing what the advises tells you to do, not easy.

Be brave little heart of mine.

Lala Land

Haha. I dunno what to put as the title for this post. I'm back in Miri. 3 weeks back home, though it's tiring 'cause there a lot of things I have to do back home, I feel refreshed. Missing the simple things we can only get at home right now. Like opening the door just sufficient enough to get your body in or out of the house. 'Cause if you open it too wide, "The Flash"would zoom into the house. Haha. Who or what is "The Flash"? Well, earlier on I did mention that we have a new puppy, named Ollie right? News flash! Ollie is now Lollie ('Cause my mum keeps on pronouncing it wrongly) and yes, Lollie is "The Flash". He is so hyperactive. Running here and there, panting all the time. Sometimes just looking at him makes me feel tired. Haha. His a bit bigger now. I'll upload some pics of him and the 2 new puppies too later. Haven't transfer the pics yet and I'm feeling to lazy to get up from this chair right now.

Owh! I almost forgot. I've moved to a new room. No more privacy. :'( Coz I was a bit late on renewing my tenancy with the Uni, I had to move into a twin-sharing room. And it is so effing small! My room mate is not here yet, so I'm treasuring these few moments of having the room all too myself til she gets here.

There's one song that's stuck into my head right now. Blame it on my sis coz she keeps on playing that song when I was back home. It's a song from Alesha Dixon, titled Breathe Slow.

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I'm running out of patience

Cause I can't believe what the hell I'm hearing
And speaking of hell it don't compare

To this heat that I am feeling

I love you to much, it shows

All my emotions go out of control
Good for you, bad for me

When I can hardly see from the tears that flow

Can't forget to breathe slow

Count from 1 to 10 with my eyes closed

Cause ladies taking in and get composure

Before I lose it get composure

I am going to breathe slow

Count from 1 to 10 with my eyes closed

Cause ladies taking in and get composure

Ladies never lose composure

Not gonna lie or even try,

You've got my world spinning
And I ain't the one who shot the gun

Cause that means you will be winning

I love you to much, it shows

All my emotions go out of control
Good for you, bad for me

When I can hardly see from the tears that flow

Can't forget to breathe slow,

Count from 1 to 10 with my eyes closed

Cause ladies take it in and get composure

Before I lose it get composure

I am going to breathe slow

Count from 1 to 10 with my eyes closed

Cause ladies take it in and get composure

Ladies never lose composure

Somebody better hold me back

You're lucky I know how to act

So lucky I ain't gonna attack.

I'm being calm and cool but believe me you

It's taking everything to just breathe

Breathe, breathe

Can't forget to breathe slow

Count from 1 to 10 with my eyes closed

Cause ladies take it in and get composure

Before I lose it, get composure

I am going to breathe slow

Count from 1 to 10 with my eyes closed

Cause ladies take it in and get composure

Ladies never lose composure

Can't forget to breathe slow

Count from 1 to 10 with my eyes closed

Cause ladies take it in and get composure

Before I lose it, get composure

I am going to breathe slow

Count from 1 to 10 with my eyes closed

Cause ladies take it in and get composure

Ladies never lose composure

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It's like a reminder to myself,

"Ladies never lose composure"

I hope you're listening to this song.

p/s: I gained 1kg during the 3 weeks back home! Darn! Need to get back to the gym ASAP!

What about me?

Head spinning. Heart pumping.

Help me.

Something happen today. Straight away, this song popped into me head.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

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What About Me?

Oh there's a little boy waiting at the counter of a corner shop

He's been waiting down there waiting half the day

We never ever see him from the top

He gets pushed around, knocked to the ground

But he gets to his feet and he says

What about me? This isn't fair.

I've had enough now I want my share

Can't you see I wanna live?

But you just take more than you give

Well there's a pretty girl serving at the counter of the corner shop

She's been waiting back there waiting for her dreams

Her dreams walk in and out they never stop

Well she's not too proud to cry out loud

She runs to the street and she screams

What about me? It isn't fair.

I've had enough now I want my share

Can't you see I wanna live?

But you just take more than you give

So take a step back and see the little people

They may be young but they're the ones

Who make the big people big

So listen as they whisper, "What about me?"

Now I'm standing on the corner of the world's gone home

Nobody's changed nobody's been saved

And I'm feeling cold and alone

I guess I'm lucky I smile a lot

But sometimes I wish for more then I go

What about me? It isn't fair

I've had enough now I want my share

Can't you see I wanna live?

But you just take more

What about me? It isn't fair

I've had enough now I want my share

Can't you see I wanna live?

But you just take more, you just take more

You just take more than you give

What about me?

What about me?

What about me?

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Trying ever so hard to hold back the tears from falling again.

There's no use in crying.

Happy for my friends who had found new love in their life. Hope these new loves will help you forget the pain from the past and give you hopes for a brighter future.

I'll be seeing my new love tomorrow.

Puppies, please cheer me up.

Letter From My Heart.

*contents of this post may be very personal. Tapi ada ku kesah? My blog, my scribbles. Its not as if anyone is reading my blog anyway*

Dear Daddy,
How have you been? Heard that you've been throwing about alot of tempers these few weeks. I know how frustrating it may be for you in this period of life. From working in a high position for a company in a foreign country, to running a simple coffee shop that just doesn't seem to be making profits.. Don't give up Daddy, don't lose faith and hope so easily. Try holding onto your temper. Because I'd love Calvin to know you as the supportive, loving and caring father that I've known during my childhood days. Seems like ages ago when I was a little girl, running to hug you at the door everytime you come home from work. Now, I find it hard to sit down and talk to you. I am trying my best Daddy to make you proud. But do you think you can do your part as well? Take better care of your health. You're not as young as you use to be.. Thank you for always believing in me and encouraging me, no matter whether it was my ballet performance or the struggles in studies that I am going through. I love you Daddy.

Dear Mummy,
Have I ever told you that you are a strong women? I admire you Mummy. Even with all the problems our family are going through, you try hard to hide away your tears. But I do know how hard it is for you, and that you seemed so lonely sometimes. I hope that soon Catherine would be able to sit down and talk to you just like the both of us. Don't be sad Mummy. Please believe that I am trying hard, eventhough I do slip and fall once in awhile. Thank you Mummy for being my inspiration of becoming a strong women. I love you Mummy.

Dear Lil Sister,
Sometimes I do feel as if you're just wasting your time away. You're so stubborn and ignorant sometimes and we'd get into serious fights once in awhile. But the fights never lasts for more than 15mins. After that we'd be laughing and joking around again. You are my best friend, eversince 1990. I'm sorry that I used to feed you false facts when we were little (like brushing our hair 100x b4 going to bed would give us beautiful smooth hair) but the look of fascination on your face is too much to resist. Talking to you, the conversation never seem to stop. We could go on for hours talking and laughing at the same time. You're fun to be with. But try to be more attentive to what's going on around you and not to be too bitter. I love you Mei.

Dear Lil Brother,
Why is it so with Mei the both of you would quarrel like cats and dogs? But you and I seem to get along fine. You know lots of my secrets and always threaten me that you'd spill the beans. But I know you won't. Don't try to grow up so fast, you'll miss out on alot of things. Pay more attention on your studies and don't make Mummy and Daddy worry about you. You'd be fine if you just pay more attention on the finer details in life. The moments that I miss the most with you would be the moments where we'd talk about absurd stuffs over a cup of Milo before going to bed. Which reminds me, you still have to read at least one chapter of any story book before going to bed. I love you silly Boy.


Sometimes its hard for me to talk to my family. I'd get so caught up in my own world that everything else becomes a blur. Besides, everyone expects me to be and act as an adult. Yes, my age might say I'm an adult, but I too am still learning about life. *sigh*

Once upon a time...

Hello. Finished my exams for now. But I still have my deferred papers to study for during the holidays. Hopefully I'd do well. Home does have alot of temptations. Plus 2 puppies that I havn't yet seen. Overall, this had not been a great semester for me. I'm missing my campus buddies (Miss Eva & Miss Debbie), have to handle some personal issues, financial issues and I think I've been feeling demotivated this semester.. I felt so very lost but I try not to show it. *sigh*

During the evening, I read that person's blog again. And this one part seemed to strike me hard. It's the part that said, "aku nang xkan balit ngnnya.ngn ko maybela.p bkn ko mok juak.xkira gne2 pun, apa yg nya buat ya buat aku makin jauh darinya". I know the 'nya' refers to me.. Because of the part that says 'p bkn ko mok juak', since when have I not wanted things to be the way it used to be? So I'm sure that 'nya' refers to me.. Guess what? I didn't cry and I'm not crying.. Maybe later in the middle of the night before I sleep I'll shed a few tears.. But right now, I'm still smiling. Eventhough my heart is hurting like hell...

For the sake of convinient, we'll name this person XX. For the whole 5 years that I've known XX, I've never felt so confused as I'm feeling now. Sure, those of you that do know XX personally might think that I deserve someone better, because of the way XX sometimes bosses me around. But, there is a gentle side of XX that not everyone gets to see. I am one of those very few people. There is a certain way that XX talks or acts when there's only 2 of us that is so endearing. Its usually the simple things that sometimes go by unnoticed. Like the XX would lean in to kiss me on the forehead, or even the way XX would give that sad begging face when asking me to do or buy something for XX. There's way too much for me to describe here.. That is why I keep on saying XX is precious to me..

Even after the incident in 2008 when I discovered that XX was having an affair with a person that is like my own sister, I still find that XX is very precious to me.. Those moments in 2008, there can be no suitable word to describe the pain and betrayal I felt. But I believe that it was my fault. Maybe I didn't pay enough attention. Maybe there was something that I was lack of. Frustrated as I was, I try not to show it. In the end, it was me that XX chose because of the theory that 'Need is more important than Want'. But sometimes, I thought to myself whether it was the right decision. Because even after choosing me, XX still continue to keep in touch with that other girl. And somewhere along that year, they became couples, with me still never leaving XX's side. But even when I was sharing my love with another girl, I am still thankful coz XX still cares about me. Many friends told me I was an idiot and that I should have left. But I don't think they understand.. XX means so much more to me, XX is also my bestfriend and the only one I feel comfortable in confiding everything without having to feel any shame.. *sigh*

And so the triangle continue til end of 2009. Then I had a fight with XX for contacting someone from my past. We agreed to take a break while I went back home for the holiday, with XX telling me that I must wait. I must wait for XX and not give my heart away to anyone else. So waited I did, only to be heartbroken. Returning back to Miri in 2010, I discovered that XX had not waited and had someone new in the short period of my absense. If I thought that the incident in 2008 was bad enough, this new incident was 10 times worse. Friends urged me even more to leave, but I couldn't. How can you have the strength to walk away from everything you've built for the past 5 years? But still XX remain good to me. Even with someone new, XX still spent time with me, doing activities that we normally do.. So heartbroken as I was, I pushed myself to get through. I confess that I had become a terrible person, always being jealous and crying most of the time..

But the worst blow came to me around April when XX broke up with that new gal and hooked up with someone a week after. Rebound. Yeah right. By that period of time, my self-esteem is equivalent to ZERO. Why? There I was, always beside XX through thick and thin, never caring how many time this heart of mine have been hurt. Do you think XX has the sense to see? No. XX goes off into the arms of another girl.. *sobsob* Sometimes, it seems as if I am invisible... Imagine what my friends are telling me to do now after knowing.. But they don't realize, eventhough XX is in a relationship with Girl No 3, most of the free times and even weekends are spent with me.. Its a way of XX's showing that I am more important.. Touched but yet woefully sad in the same time.

Now it's all about XX, me, Girl No 1, Girl No 2 and Girl No 3.. Complicated much? To walk away, I havn't got the strength to do so.

So now you know my story, don't bother to judge me. I'm just a girl trying to get through.

Beep Boop Beep~~ :)

Forgive the unrelated title. I simply have no idea on the title for this post. While thinking on the suitable title, I suddenly remembered something that I posted as my fb status some months ago.

"My heart does not beep, it beats."

Hence, the Beep Boop title. Haha.

Feeling better today. Last night planned to watch a movie with a friend. But then when we arrived the cinema, the ticket was all sold out. *sobsob* So, we ended up sitting at Big Apple eating donuts and chatting till it was almost closing time (staffs pun dah jeling2 bg hint soh cpt pg). But it was the talk after that that made me feel better. Coz I finally know now who am I and how important I am. The way it is shown is different but I know now and I understand.

Needs and wants.
Which will you chose?
You gave me your answer last night.
Thank you.

Even though it still stings a bit, I think I'd be better know. Thank you for finally telling me and making me understand. And I hope that you do know that no matter what happens, you're still precious to me. Always.

Hey, guess what? I am finally ready.
:)

Nothing lasts forever ... ...

The title comes from a long discussion that my friends and I had. *sigh*

This sucks!

I'm really sad today but I'm trying hard not to show it. Trying really hard to look as if everything is okay. All of this started from yesterday. And just now after reading something, my heart hurts even more. Why is it so hard? Why do we always make things complicated?

Do you know that there are times when I feel so strong and understanding. But then there will always be this little pricks of doubts pricking into my heart. Making me feel sad.

Owh silly heart of mine, when will you heal?
Dear little heart of mine, when will you ever learn?

I'm tired la of crying.

This is my heart, it's not a toy.

I love you.

When? When then you'll realize? When will you see?
When I'm gone is it?
When I am no longer around you?
When my heart can no longer take the pain?
When I cannot look at you?
Then you'll see?
Then you'll realize?

It will be too late then my dear.
It would be so much more painful for me then.

Don't please.
Enough.
I don't know how much more my heart can take.

*sigh*

Anyway, lets talk about something else. I've been meaning to write about this for quite a while but I keep on forgetting. I have my custom made bags!



Thank you Ayu! :)

Btw, I messed up. Though that this week was exam week. Did revisions like mad. Woke up early on Monday, (around 4am) and took a shower at 6am. Then I realized that the dates for exam week starts at 14th. Hahahahaha! Silly me.

K. Bye.
Tired of talking.