S.T.R.E.S.S

Sick and tired of this.

What's "this"?

The blaming game.

I'm tired of waking up everyday, knowing it will be another boring day for me.

Wake up, collect dirty laundries, start the washing, sweep the floor, mop them too sometimes, give the dogs bath sometimes, have my breakfast, hang out the washed laundries. When my aunt is not around, I'll start to think of what to cook for lunch/dinner. If she is around, then I have nothin else to do til around 4-5pm. Thats when I would go and collect the dry laundries, sometimes go and pick up my cousin and brother from school, get ready for dinner, eat, clean up after dinner, feed doggies, clean up kitchen. Then later around 7-8pm, I'll be in the living room, folding the laundry as usual. 

And so, other then that in all the times in between, what did I do? I read, I go online, I read some more, I go pester the dogs, I lay around. 

WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?!

Now receiving complains from my mum to not always be on the phone or reading. Get up, go and talk to people. 

Now here's the question. My aunt is always busy with her work in her room. My akek, whom I still have difficulty conversing with in Kayan, would be outside with his 'jala' and other stuff. When my cousins come over during their lunch break, they'd sleep. SO WHOM AM I SUPPOSED TO TALK TO? 

Waiting day by day for the response from any company or inteviews that I've attended. Zero. Ziltch. Nothing.

STRESS

They think I laze around all day carefree and not a single worry in my head? NO! 

EVERY.SINGLE.SECOND.I.AM.WORRY.

That is why I read. The more stress and worried I am, the more I will read. Especially at times like this where it is not easy for me to go out and chill wit my girls. Sometimes, that's all I need. A different environment for 2-3 hours, girlfriends to chitchat and gossip with, some bit of music, or maybe nice sceneries in front of me. That's all I need to release my stress. But since I can only go out once a week with love (coz I'm afraid if I go out more than once a week then people wi complain that I go out too much), reading is all I have left.

AND YET PEOPLE STILL COMPLAIN

i.give.up

Bye la!

依然爱你?

This is unexpected.

Before I go on with this post, I'd like to share a quote I read few weeks ago.

"Your absence has been too long, that your presence doesn't matter anymore."

Yeah. Exactly what I wanna talk about.

I never thought it would come to this. I never thought there could/might be a different future with someone different other than you. But the sad thing is, it will and is happening right now. You're so confusing, and I guess you always will. I'll never truly understand what is it you actually want from me, from us (if there ever was an us in your head). Motivation or Distraction? You chose to stay away, to stay quiet. Ignoring me or anything about me. I guess you have your own reasons. 

You always told me to let things be.

"Time will tell."

And time has shown me.

Time has shown me that we were never meant to be.

You will never be anything more to me than just a tiny feeling that I'd keep away at the corner of my heart. 

Time has shown me that there's another who is not afraid to show his effort no matter how busy or tired he is. And as time passes, time has shown me that I am not attracted to this guy, I'm actually falling in love. 

Then what was the feeling I had for you before time showed me my real feelings? I'm guessing, it's more to the sense of nostalgia... 

How you are always able to remind how I was before and made that character reappear after all the drama I've been through, maybe I was just holding on to that. 

I am not sure....

But what I am sure, its goodbye.

Sorry we never got the chance to develop further into a different type of relationship. 

Letting go for the third time.

Sucks real bad.

But hey, thats life.

"Time will tell."

It has.

Moments of Insecurities...

I am supposed to be revising for my finals. But lately, a lot has happened. Knowing me, I can't pay full attention until I let off some of the load I'm feeling. Where else can I do that except here? ;)

Are you happy being single? Some one asked me that question few days ago. I happily told that person, Yes. Comparing me to the person I was last year and the year before, I am so much more happy. Some friends tell me to take my time to heal before venturing into the world of relationships again. Others would tell me be brave and just try again. But hey, I'll just smile and say, "We'll see".

The truth is, this heart of mine is still afraid. Bcoz from what I've been through, everytime I fall for someone, it would either not work out or I would end up being hurt real bad.

So for now, whenever some one asks me, I'll just smile.

Moving on to something else that is completely has no link to what I've talking about earlier.... Tonight I'll be praying extra hard for strength. There's something I have to do tomorrow that I dread. I am afraid but I know I have to do it.

Ok, back to studying. I can't wait for Monday to come. Not because I'm super clever and can't wait to sit for my paper. But because I'll be meeting one of my reason that made me smile throughout this semester.

xoxoxo