Rhythm of the falling rain ...

It was raining today. I walked to the bus stop under an umbrella. It was 7.30pm ... And at that moment, it felt that I was all alone in this whole wide world. It felt calm and soothing to hear the pitter-patter of raindrops on my umbrella with an occasional breeze blowing around. I love it when it rains ... *sigh*

It's in these little things that makes me remember. I don't think I've written about this incident in this blog. I used to walk in the rain, hand-in-hand with that someone precious. It was a long time ago ... But the feeling I felt at that moment, priceless and unforgetable. :)

Luckily it was dark when I was wallking to the bus stop. Or else people would thought that I was crazy. Coz I was tearing up, yet smiling at the same time.

Silly me, reminiscing while walking in the rain ..

I'm walking on sunshine!

Ignore the title. It's irrelevant. Haha. Just a song that suddenly popped into my mind. Yes, you've guessed correctly. I can't sleep again! Went to the gym earlier, cycled for like 30mins (it's only my 2nd visit, gimme a break ok?). Body aches like hell, but this eyes still won't sleep.

One of my friend cried just now. My heart went out to her coz I know what she is feeling. Teared up abit seeing her so sad... All those words of comfort like, "Don't worry, it'll be ok" or "Just be strong, it'll be over soon." felt so empty. I couldn't bring myself to give those advises coz it din work for me. No it won't be over soon. How can you get over a heartache so fast? Even now I'm still crying coz of the pain. How can I tell her to be strong when I myself felt so weak and vulnerable becoz of the heartache? *sigh* I could only tell her to cry as hard and long as she wants. Through crying, she'll get better. That I am sure coz I am getting better after each and every cry I had.

Even just now I cried again. Was surfing through Youtube. Came across one very meaningful song to me. Staccie Oricco's I Promise. *sigh* That song brings so much emotion, so many memories. And then to listen to that song again after everything that has happen felt like a slap across my face. I smiled yet I cried at the same time. Silly huh?

A quote for my heartbroken friend... And also for you that is so precious ...

"It’s hard to lose someone you love, to finally say goodbye. You try to be strong, but the pain keeps holding on, and all you can do is cry. Deep within your heart, you know it’s time to move on, when the fairytale you once knew is gone."

Be happy precious. Enjoy love, enjoy life.

I'm learning to do so again ...

Gotta go and try to sleep now. My head is throbbing. *sigh*
Bye. Off to find a bit of happiness in my dreams.

Bit of pondering ...

Yes. I can't sleep again. This is stupid. I have a headache right now. Been trying to sleep since 1am. *sigh* Why won't sleep come to me? This is tiring ...

Earlier on, I told someone that I wouldn't read their personal blog anymore. Too painful for me. So just now, I went for a visit one last time (I hope). Still so very painful. Ah silly heart of mine, when will you ever learn?

Remember in earlier posts I told mein honigbienchen that "For better or worse, I got you"? I meant that, I really do. Coz no matter what had happened between us, this person really means a lot to me. But the silly thing is, whatever promises or wishes that I've made to this person, this person did to another. Do you get what I'm saying? Here I am promising that I'll always be here and that I could take away the pain and burden. Here I am trying to find happiness in my dreams and wishing this person all the happiness in real life. And there's this person promising to always be there for another person. Promising and wishing basically everything that I've promised or wished unto this person. It sort of opened up my eyes. I understand now what this person truly felt for that other girl. As much love as I'm feeling for this person... And if all the love is out there for that other girl, there is absolutely no hope for me anymore. Not one tiniest bit... Silly huh? To be slapped in the face by cruel reality. To finally realize I'm a nobody ...

Why do I love you so? This is silly, so silly. For me to keep holding on when you're trying so hard to push me away? But you know what scares me now? To still have this feeling of love and longing to be with you, and yet discover that as each day passes it is getting easier and easier to let you go and move on. That scares me sometimes ... Really scares me. And confuses me in the same time... The heart is a funny thing ...

I'm tired of turning into a human water tap every now and then. And yet I'm also tired of pretending everything is fun and okay. Basically, I'm just tired of my life. Reading used to be my way of escaping. To immerse myself into the life of the characters in books and read on til a happily ever after. But now, I'm tired of doing that. I'd read halfway then put the book down thinking life's not fair. How come characters in books always gets their happily ever after? And so I turn to sleeping as a way to escape. To retreat into a fairytale of my own where everything is back to how it used to be. But then waking up to reality seems so harsh. What can I do now?

What am I to do with my life?

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Hello by Evanescence

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you, she's not breathing?
Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

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When will my next adventure begin?

Nite everyone. Better get to sleep before Mr. Teardrops decides to pay me a visit.

This one is for you .. ..

You know who you are. I am sorry. I wanted to be the one to share your pain and relieve your burden. But I guess I'm just adding them.

This one is for you. Hope you understand. Although goodbyes are inevitable, there's no such things as goodbyes. You are always with me. In my heart and through the memories we've shared. Thank you for everything.

Immortality by Celine Dion

So this is who I am,
And this is all I know,
And I must choose to live,
For all that I can give,
The spark that makes the power grow
And I will stand for my dream if I can,
Symbol of my faith in who I am,
But you are my only,
And I must follow on the road that lies ahead,
And I won't let my heart control my head,
But you are my only
We don't say goodbye,
We don't say goodbye,
And I know what I've got to be

Immor-tality
I make my journey through eternity
I keep the memory of you and me inside

Fulfill your destiny,
Is there within the child,
My storm will never end,
My fate is on the wind,
The king of hearts, the joker's wild,
We don't say goodbye,
We don't say goodbye,
I'll make them all remember me

Cos I have found a dream that must come true,
Every ounce of me must see it through,
But you are my only
I'm sorry I don't have a role for love to play,
Hand over my heart I'll find my way,
I will make them give to me

Immor-tality (oh baby)
There is a vision and a fire in me (ohh)
I keep the memory of you and me, inside
We don't say goodbye
We don't say goodbye
With all my love for you
And what else we may do
We don't say, goodbye

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I won't let my heart control my head.
Goodbye, my heart's dearest.

Have You Ever Been in Love?

One of the reason I can't sleep is because this stupid song keeps on repeating itself in my head.

Have You Ever Been in Love?

Have you ever been in love
You could touch the moonlight
When your heart is shooting stars
You're holding heaven in your arms
Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever walked on air, ever
Felt like you were dreamin'
When you never thought it could
But it really feels that good
Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever been in love
You could touch the moonlight
When your heart is shooting stars
You're holding heaven in your arms
Have you ever been in love?

The time I spent waiting for something
That was heaven sent
When you find it don't let go
I know...

Have you ever said a prayer
And found that it was answered
All my hope has been restored
I ain't looking anymore
Have you ever been...

Some place that you ain't leavin'
Somewhere you gonna stay
When you finally found the meanin'
Have you ever felt this way?

The time I spent waiting for something
That was heaven sent
When you find it don't let go
I know...

Have you ever been in love?
You could touch the moonlight
You can even reach the stars
Doesn't matter near or far
Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever been in love?
So in love

*sigh*

So much for fairy tales huh?
"When you find it, don't let go"

Nite everyone.

Time after time ... ...

Hello.

I couldn't sleep. Went to the gym earlier. I tried all sorts of exercises there, trying to make sure that I'll be deadbeat tired when I get back so that after showering I could sleep. But no ... The body is tired, but the mind is active. *sigh* I just can't sleep. Every time I try to get comfortable in bed, Mr. Teardrops would come for a visit. And because I'm tired of turning into a human water tap, here I am sitting in front of my laptop, writing nonsense.

It's the month of May.
Time really does fly.

My post for these couple months had not been cheerful. But please, don't think that I'm not happy. In the midst of all those turmoils in my life, there are times that are happy for me. I'd be sitting there, laughing like there's no tomorrow. So, it's not always tears for me. There are occasional laughter now and then. GENUINE laughter, I meant.

How about today?
Bittersweet.
*sigh*


Hey you. You know I'm talking to you right now. You don't have to keep on doing this to me. I get it. You want me to go. It's what you wish for. But my heart tells me to stay. Not hoping for sympathy and love. No, I know I can no longer get that from you in your current situation. But, my heart tells me to stay coz my heart wants to make sure that you're happy. Genuinely happy. Not just some fake smile you plaster onto your face for the whole world to see. You can fool everyone else, but you can't fool me ... I know, coz I've been doing the same thing. I know what you're feeling coz hey, aren't we in the same situation now? Trying to be strong in the eyes of the one we love but can't have? *sigh* Don't you get tired sometimes? My heart aches see-ing you in your current situation. And after what you told me earlier, it aches even more ... Don't do this to yourself ... You're scaring me. Especially after one particular sentence when I told you that I'm tired. You know which sentence I'm talking about. Don't say that. That scares me. Truly. *sobsob*

So much to tell you, with limited emotions to show. I guess you kinda know what I'm feeling by that. I pray you'll be truly happy soon. And one day you'll find that someone that you've hoped for. Someone who will understand you, your actions and your feelings. Someone who can truly share your burden. Someone truly prefect and has everything. Someone who will make you happy. Wish I was that someone but I guess you've shown me that I can't.

You can ask me to let go. I'll grant you that. You can ask me to stop loving. I'll learn how to. But don't ask me to stop caring. You too precious to me and my heart won't allow it. I'm sorry. Bear with me a little longer. It's getting easier for me each day to let go ... ...



I suddenly remembered a phrase from Celine Dion's song. It goes like this:
" I wanna find a place where dreams can happen,
I wanna find a love who'll take me there ... "

Can I?
Will I?

Gotta go now. I'm starting to turn into a human water tap again. It's giving me a headache. I need to sleep. It's 2.30am!!! Why won't sleep come to me? :'(

Starts With Goodbye

I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

Time, time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now.

[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
Starts with goodbye,
The only way you try to find,
Moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
Na na na na na na na.

A short one ...

Just writing to say I'm feeling sad. Saw lots of my friends and old classmates in campus today. All attending the Graduation ceremony tomorrow. *sigh* I wanna be a part of that .. When I grad, there won't be many people that I know.

Owh btw, I've made a major decision. Bcoz I'm so tired of who I've become these last few months, I'm pushing myself to really let go... T.T

That's all. More updates on the Graduation ceremony tomorrow. Owh, I forget to mention. I will be attending too. But as a guest.

Tata for now.

Who am I?

*sigh*

I've been going on and on like this for almost 4 months now... It's tiring. I don't know who am I anymore. I feel so demotivated. Nothing is right anymore.

After THE TALK just now, I finally understand who I really am in dat someone's life. Who am I kidding? All those post of me saying I'm moving on, yeah right. As if throwing and erasing away 4 years is so damn easy. Every once in a while when I THINK that I'm doing well and moving on, one little gesture or word would bring me rushing back to the comfort of the 4 years I've known. Arghh!! Why is it so damn hard. I hate myself for being so stupid.

I AM NOT PERFECT.
I've told you from Day 1. Nobody is perfect. I have my own faults and flaws that I'm not proud of. Damn. If I were perfect, I would have been an angel instead of a human being. *sigh*

Dangling, dangling, dangling...
That's not good for a girl. Don't keep a girl dangling for long. It will ruin her self esteem. Open up your eyes and see ok? She's been through a lot and still she's here. Doesn't that says something? And when times are bad, she go through a lot to keep you interested. Little things like hair cuts, new scents, new dressing ... Yet, nothing. Self-esteem? Down to the drain.

See, see, see! This is what I mean. Who is this? Since when have I become this ... this selfish green-eye freak?!

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

Used to LOVE that quote back in High School. But now when I think of it, what if they return and you're with someone new? So does that mean that we should wait for them to return? How long should we wait? Til we die??? Is it worth the wait???
Yes I know, I think too much. *sigh*

I AM LETTING YOU GO NOW.
I understand now. It's better for the both of us. Look at the freak I've become. I can never trust you fully anymore. Always, always living in fear wondering whether you're telling the truth or just lying straight to my face?

Things used to be so beautiful. But you said, the past is the past. We can never go back and relive the past. *sigh*
Where did I go wrong?
WHAT did I do wrong?



Just a random song that's screaming through my head right now.
Arghhh!!! WHADDAYA WANT FROM ME?
Stupid stupid stupid tears. Go away. Stop falling from my tired eyes.
Go and bully some one else. I'm sick and tired of being weak. I'm sick and tired of pretending that I'm some kind of Superwomen that can do anything. Well, Superwomen also have needs and wants ok? Superwomen also have feelings. Superwomen also needs some pampering. And once in awhile, Superwomen needs to be saved too.

Enough nonsense ranting for one night. Bye. I'm off to my fairytale again where everything is picture perfect and there's not a single worry at all.

Mein Honigbienchen
For better or worse, I got you.
I won't forget.

p/s: This post may sound angry. But I'm actually crying. Never mind.. The sun will come out tomorrow ...

Let It Be ... ...

Mein Honigbienchen,

Things have been tough for you these couple of weeks. I can understand what you are going through. Don't forget, I've been through that to, maybe worse, but the past is the past. I don't want to point faults at anyone. I guess some of your current problems were caused by me too. I'm sorry that I have not been more supportive. I'm sorry that sometimes I can be a pain in the ass. But I am learning to be better. And a person does not change overnight. Thank you for opening my eyes.

And now, I can only hope that you will be strong Honigbienchen. I've known you for almost 5 years now and in these few months, I see you're not being yourself. You've somehow have more patience. You've learn to compromise. You've admit mistakes even when it is not your fault. You've somehow became someone else ... And I can see that it's tiring you. Move on mein honigbienchen. Like what you've said, enough is enough ... You'll be fine soon. It will be hard but slowly you'll heal. If you need a friend to talk to, do know that I'm always here for you. Don't keep all your problems to yourself..

Move on honigbienchen. Maybe she doesn't love you enough to hear your explanation and admit her mistakes. You've done your part. I'm sorry that it did not work out as you've hoped. But you'll find someone better one day. Just be wiser this time and don't fall so fast. Stop and listen to your heart once in awhile. For sometimes, they whisper.

I better go now. By the way, this song is for you.

Remember,
"And when you need a place to run to, For better or worse, I got you."