MY PERFECT NIGHTMARE

:: Another 30th. *sigh* Keep trying to erase that number but I can't ::

Finally! I've found a song that says exactly what I felt. Haha.

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Lyrics

Sometimes we fight, sometimes I cry
Why don't I just tell him goodbye
Sometimes I should, but sometimes I don't
Build up the strength to say that it's wrong
Sometimes I hate, sometimes I love
Sometimes I hurt, sometimes I don't
Sometimes I wait for him to change
But it's okay I've disguised the pain (yeah)

And I don't ever wanna leave him alone
They say I'm brain washed

But I'm in love with this man (yeahhh)


Keep telling myself that its not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream

No way, no way, no way,

No way, no way, no way, no way
But if it's from you I dont mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect nightmare

Sometimes I keep it cool, sometimes I let him know

Sometimes I even pack my bags to walk out the door
Sometimes I feel safe, sometimes I really don't
Sometimes I promise that I'm ready to let him go

But I don't ever wanna leave him alone

They say I'm brain washed

But I'm in love with this man (ooooh)

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream

No way, no way, no way,

No way, no way, no way, no way

But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect nightmare

Hoping he's changing, but I'm scared he's not
Can't see a way to leave, help me open my eyes

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it (no way)
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting (don't mind hurting)
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream

No way, no way, no way,
No way, no way, no way, no way
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect nightmare

No way, no way, no way,
No way, no way, no way, no way
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect nightmare

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Finally!

Especially the chorus:

"Keep telling myself that its not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare"

Dream on, dream on ..

:: Midnight blues ::

What should I do? Why do I keep on having these feelings?

Feelings as if I don't belong here anymore.

There's always this sense of uneasiness.

*sigh*

You make me happy, you make me sad.

You're the reason for my laughters, and also for my tears.

When I'm with you I am calm and content.

Yet in the same time , you'd start a mini storm inside of me.

I'm so clueless.

What should I do?

Adaka patut ***** padah mun aku cium XX lak mulut aku kembang esok harinya? Sedih aku nya padah aku camya. Aku sik pernah pun minta apa2 jaik terjadi kat nya. Bila nya sakit gik aku risau, salu wish nya cepat sembuh. Tapi kenak nya padah camya kat aku pulang? Sedih aku. Dala mok anta 'benda' ya datang sebab takut aku polah benda pelik. Perlukah? Ya aku sik suka mun ada melibatkan 'benda2' camya. Sik suka alu jak aku. Psycho alu jak. Sedih eh aku. Jangan jak aku mimpi buruk lagi malam tok. Tapi cgek la aku heran. Kenak nya takut alu aku akan buat apa2 dgn XX sampe pelu padah camya? Aku rasa bukan aku yang nya pelu takut. 'Coz ada sorang yang lain gik. :'( Leave me alone bah..

*sigh*

What should I do?

FML

*gasp*

I don't know why but lately I've been having really really bad dreams. Recently it had gotten worse. Huhu. I know before this I've had bad dreams before but it is usually about some one else. This time my dreams (or should I say nightmare) is all about me. Sometimes the dream would be really bad that I'd wake up gasping for air, sometimes even crying.

I don't really remember all of my dreams or even every details of the dreams I had. But I knew there was one thing in common for all of those dreams. ***** was always in those dreams. My friends said that I was thinking too much. But sometimes, those dreams would come even when I had not a single thought of ***** the whole day.

Few weeks ago, I dreamt that when I return to my room after classes, I found that my room had been ransacked. Everything was in disorder. Across the wall in red paints were the words 'Perempuan Keji' and so on. While I was cleaning up my room, I received a message from ***** asking me whether I liked her little artwork.

Last week, I dreamt that I was running as hard as I can 'coz ***** was chasing after me while waving around a parang. ***** kept on screaming at me to leave XX and her alone and that I should just mind my own business. Do you know how scary it felt? No matter how hard I ran, ***** was always a few steps behind me.

Few days ago, I dreamt that I was tied onto a chair while ***** and her family stood around me. Then one by one, they started to slapped me in the face. While they slapped me, they kept on saying that they doing this 'coz I deserved it. That's what I get for disturbing ***** relationship with XX. Even the little niece slapped and scratched me. The pain I felt in that dream felt so real that when I woke up, I checked my arms and legs expecting to see scratch marks left there.

Last night was the worse dream of it all. I was being chopped, alive. *sobsob* It was terrible. ***** was standing there, looking at me with malice reflecting in her eyes. In her hand was an axe (sounds like any ordinary horror movie right. Not funny.). She kept on saying over and over again that I was a hypocrite. That I should have stayed away from XX and just leave the both of them to be. I should have minded my own business and erase XX from my mind. And while ***** was saying all of this, she began to chop of my hands, SLOWLY. Then my feet. Then she dragged a blunt knife over my neck, drawing blood from the shallow wound. She said that I should just bleed to death. That dream seemed so real that when I woke up, my pillow was wet from tears. Luckily I didn't cried out loud or else I would have a hard time explaining my dreams to my room mate. But the pain, ow the pain. I cannot find the words to describe the pain I felt. Hurts even more than a heartache. :( Lets just say I hope to never feel such pain in reality.

Now, I'm afraid of *****. I know that she did not really do any of those stuff, nor will she ever do it in reality. But I cannot deny, I am afraid of *****.

What should I do?

Please, please, please go away silly unrealistic bad dreams. :'(

p/s: Saya ada cuci kaki sebelum tidur ok?

No one's really listening.

:'(

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Lyrics

She had a smile that could light up the room in seconds

I got lost in her blue eyes in conversation
And she told me her dreams and she trusted in me for hours
I held her hand and whispered away my secrets

Nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
And no one's really listening
Too blinded by the glare to ever stop and care
Yeah, no one's really there when you need them
So hold on to who you are
'Cause nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
Just falling stars on silver screens

She had a smile that could light up the room in seconds
With tears after midnight, she told me she lost direction
While the world was asleep, she was up telling me it was over
I held her tight for a moment and I was speechless

Nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
And no one's really listening
Too blinded by the glare to ever stop and care
Yeah, no one's really there when you need them
So hold on to who you are
'Cause nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
Just falling stars on silver screens

Last thing I heard, she became a star
Followed her dream, she followed her heart
She left a message in the middle of July
Said you were right and I realized

Nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
And no one's really listening
Too blinded by the glare to ever stop and care
Yeah, no one's really there when you need them

So blinded by the glare to ever stop and care
Yeah, no one's really there when you need them
So hold on to who you are
'Cause nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
Just falling stars on silver screens

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:'(

Dootdoo dootdootdoo~~

:)

I went to someplace special to me today. Been quite sometimes since I last went there. Brings back special memories. Was kinda sad, yet happy in the same time. Haha.

Can we go back there on the 30th of August 2011?

I will do anything I can to be there, will you?

Btw, my sis came to Miri on Saturday. Even though I only spent like 2 hours with her, it felt like home. I miss her already. Mei, why can't you stay longer? Then I can do more many activities with you. Next time 'kay?

Better go to bed now.

:)

Listening to ... ...

Fight the Bad Feeling by T-Max

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Translation

What do I do.

I keep having a bad thoughts.

I'm sorry.

I know that I can't be like this

if I say that it's a lie, a lie

will my heart go back

tears fall

I can't even look at you because I'm so sorry

my heart hurts

what do I say first

I can't think.

dootdooo dootdootdoo dootdooloo dootdoot dootdoo

bbamba bbambamba

You keep making me have bad thoughts

the heart that's forgetting you

is not a good heart to me

it's such a bad heart

it's a bad heart. It's a bad heart

our love will never go away.. never.

Making me have bad thoughts

the heart that's forgetting you

is not a good heart to me

it's such a bad heart

it's a bad heart. It's a bad heart

erasing our love.. It's such a bad thought.

I don't like farewells..

just breaking up with you.. I don't like it even if I die.

Kindly

just think of me kindly

warmly

if you just say one word

I have no other wish.

dootdooo dootdootdoo dootdooloo dootdoot dootdoo

bbamba bbambamba

You keep making me have bad thoughts

the heart that's forgetting you

is not a good heart to me

it's such a bad heart

it's a bad heart. It's a bad heart

our love will never go away.. never.

Making me have bad thoughts

the heart that's forgetting you

is not a good heart to me

it's such a bad heart

it's a bad heart. It's a bad heart

erasing our love.. it's such a bad thought.

I don't like farewells..

just breaking up with you.. I don't like it even if I die

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From the Korean Drama, Boys Over Flowers.

*Korean Drama Mode*

:)

The Chinese Side of Me

I told you I'm really bad in Chinese right? But that doesn't mean I don't listen to Chinese songs (though I am a bit ketinggalan).

This song's lyric is so sweet. And I love the melody as well. :)

男人女人

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Translation

Ai ai ai ai le ji hui
Love, love, love, having loved a few times,
Ye ming bai qi zhong zi wei
I've understood its inherent taste.
Fu chu de chong lai bu hui deng yu shou hui
What you've given out will never be equal to what you receive.
Wo que hai zai deng dai zhe shei neng chu xian
I'm still waiting for whomever it is to appear.

Shang shang shang shang le ji hui
Hurt, hurt, hurt, being hurt for a few rounds,
Ye ceng jing wei ai qiao cui
I too have become wan and pallid because of love.
Ai qing li hao ren zong bi huai ren lang bei
In love, the good guy is always more discomfited than the bad guys.
Wo que hai shi xue bu hui hen xin dui shei
But I still can't get the hang of being cruel towards anyone.

Nan ren nan ren duo xi wang ni shi hao ren
Man, man, how I hope that you are a good man.
Duo xi wang yong ni de zhen rang wo bu bi zai xin teng
How I wish that you'd use your sincerity to wipe away the pain in my heart.
Nv ren nv ren wo da ying zuo ge hao ren
Woman, woman, I promise to be a good man.
Wo da ying yong wo yi sheng lai huan ni de kuai le yi sheng
I promise to use my whole life, to exchange for your life-long happiness.

Ai ai ai ai le ji hui
Love, love, love, having loved a few times,
Ye ming bai qi zhong zi wei
I've understood its inherent taste.

Fu chu de chong lai bu hui deng yu shou hui
What you've given out will never be equal to what you receive.
Wo que hai zai deng dai zhe shei neng chu xian
I'm still waiting for whomever it is to appear.

Shang shang shang shang le ji hui
Hurt, hurt, hurt, being hurt for a few rounds,
Ye ceng jing wei ai qiao cui
I too have become wan and pallid because of love.
Ai qing li hao ren zong bi huai ren lang bei
In love, the good guy is always more discomfited than the bad guys.
Wo que hai shi xue bu hui hen xin dui shei
But I still can't get the hang of being cruel towards anyone.

Nan ren nan ren duo xi wang ni shi hao ren
Man, man, how I hope that you are a good man.
Duo xi wang yong ni de zhen rang wo bu bi zai xin teng
How I wish that you'd use your sincerity to wipe away the pain in my heart.
Nv ren nv ren wo da ying zuo ge hao ren
Woman, woman, I promise to be a good man.
Wo da ying yong wo yi sheng lai huan ni de kuai le yi sheng
I promise to use my whole life, to exchange for your life-long happiness.

Nan ren nan ren duo xi wang ni shi hao ren
Man, man, how I hope that you are a good man.
Duo xi wang yong ni de zhen rang wo bu bi zai xin teng
How I wish that you'd use your sincerity to wipe away the pain in my heart.
Nv ren nv ren wo da ying zuo ge hao ren
Woman, woman, I promise to be a good man.

Bu hui zai rang wo (ni) xing teng yi deng zai deng
To refrain from letting me (you) being hurt, and waiting again and again.
Ni jiu shi wo deng de na ge ren
You are the one that I was waiting for.

Nan ren nan ren

Man, man
Nv ren nv ren
Woman, woman
Duo me xi wang ni shi dui de ren
How I yearn that you are the correct partner.

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Nice meaning kan?

The last phrase, "How I yearn that you're the correct partner" is so sweet.

More quotes

Just found these 2 quotes while browsing thru the internet just now. Speaks out to me. :)

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"Often when we realize how precious those seconds are, it's too late for them to be captured because the moment has passed. We realize too late."

~ Cecelia Ahern

"People come, people go – they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past."

~ Nicholas Sparks

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Yes, I'm a quote-freak. It's my way of forgetting my problems.

Midnight Thoughts

Been a while since I blogged late at night. :)

My thoughts for tonight, we don't always get all that we want. Right?

I've been through a lot. My life has been nothing but dramas and dramas. But I bet a lot of those around me doesn't realize. Haha. Can't blame them when I'm the one trying so hard to hide the truth thats happening. I'm sorry. :)

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There's a lot of things that I've hoped and wished for. Some of it has been fulfilled, some not. *sigh* Sometimes it bugs me that there's so many things that I've wanted and yet can't have. Take my love life for an example. I've never, never, never wanted my relationship to end this way. And never in a million years would I've wanted to find out that the person I'm so in love with can have feelings for different girls in the same time. It's so complicated. It saddens me that many of my hopes and dreams were never fulfilled. But hey, we can't always have it all. :)

I'm learning to look at the bright side. Be thankful for what you had and have. Don't dwell too long on thoughts of how it would have been or unfulfilled wishes. Don't grapse too tightly onto dreams that will never be. Don't cling too long onto memories of the past.

I'm doing that. Bit by bit. And hey, I can say that I'm 50% healed. :)

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So, the lesson? Be thankful for what you had and cherish what you have.

Off to bed now. Nitey-nite.

p/s: Out of all the things I want in life and have or havent received; you are by far the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you.

Don't judge me!

Found this when I was going thru my sent items in FB. Something that I did when I was bored.

Mi corazón :: Means my heart in Spanish

Mon cheri :: Means my dear in French

Cara mia :: Means my beloved in Italian

Schätzchen :: Means darling in German

Liubóv' moýa :: Means my love in Russian

Min elskede :: Means my love in Danish

Sirelis :: Means my beloved in Armenian

Moja sloneczko :: Means my sunshine in Polish

Bǎobèi :: Means precious in Mandarin

My heart's dearest :: Means YOU in Christine

Haha. Don't judge me! :)