24/7, My Heaven

Ignore the tittle. It's just lyrics frm a song that's stuck in my head. :) I'm back in Miri. Bit homesick but hey, what do you expect after you've been pampered for 3 months. Haha.

So far, after the sad incident in December, I'm ok. In fact I myself find it hard to believe but I think I've let go. :) There's some one who cares for me and makes sure that I'm not sad. Haha. I remember writing in a post once that I dun like the person I've becomed. That I would not feel proud of myself if I were to meet up with my friends from High School. But now, I can say that I've found the person that I used to be. Before the heartaches, the jealousy, the pretennds and the cryings. I've found the happy me that I used to be. Thanks to a very close friend of mine. God certainly did answer my prayers by sending back into my life. :)

So, 2011. I am now more confident to face whatever you throw at me. :)

Starting all over again..

So.. Where to start? How to start? I guess the first step to take is to forgive myself snd just let go. We cannot change the past.. That's what I tell myself anyway. Haha.

I've been working. It may be tiring but in a way I feel as it's a blessing. At least when I'm busy, my mind won't wander off and think of the bad things that has happened. And at night, I'd be so tired that I'll fal asleep straight away. So, believe it or not... I'm good. :))

2011.. May this year bring better memories. Although 2010 has been a hell of a year for me, I'm thankful for 2010. That year has taught me to be strong and has also shown me what I'm capable of. Heart-broken as I may have been, I'm glad of the lessons I've learnt. :)

Besides, not all of 2010 is bad... I got a really cool present from my dad for my bday. Haha.

So thanks 2010.. 2011, I'm ready for whatever challenges you throw at me!

Cheers everyone. Have a Happy 2011. :)

My December

Last week, I listened to an old CD of mine by Linkin Park. Heard the song My December. And the lyrics, really says what I'm feeling in this December..

December has always been my favourite month. Christmas!! Birthday!! Holidays!! Yes, I love December. That is why my favourite number has always been 12.

But this year, I feel a bit lonely in December.
12/12
My favourite date of the year. My oh so perfect dream date.
This year, I dread that date.
:'(

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My December



Lyrics:

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things that I said
To make you
Feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things that I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow-covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things that I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

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Wish 2010 would faster end...

:'(

Guess guess guess?

People always say that a picture says a thousand words.

What does this picture says?

:)

Nitey-nite.

Spontaneous? Huh.

What did I do to deserve all this?

For the few past years, I've been trying to move on, forgive and forget. I've made very little progress so far. But when someone from my past re-appeared into my life, he helped the process become lighter. With all the turmoil going on in my life, he helped me believed that I will get better and that I will finally be able to let go.

See, I used to have a crush on this person. He re-appeared during the moments when I felt so beaten up. Tired of everything, tired of pretending. I was dying inside wile on the outside I put on my happy face. I was miserable. But when he re-appeared, I suddenly remembered how fun it used to be. Laughters everywhere. He made me feel like the me I used to be. No worries, no pretends. Just being me. I liked it. Very much. But I doubt that he knows.

I told myself I would not fall for him again. It's too dangerous. Not when my heart still loves XX. But I guess some old flames are hard to be completely extinguished. Little by little, when he made me feel like the old me, some of the little feelings I had for him began to resurface. What should I do? And he was no help either by using endearment terms with bits of hints here and there.

Till one day, made a fool of myself. *sigh* I unconsciously told him that I might be falling for him again. Would he stay this time? Sh*t! Stupid, stupid, stupid! Should had just changed my number after that and pretend that I no longer existed on Earth. But I did not. And so the next day,he told me ever so sweetly, he can't. 'Coz he was afraid that he would not always be able to be there for me when I need him. So why don't we take things slow for a mo' and be spontaneous. Go with the flow and see what happens. Me, being the idiotic person who can never really explain what I wanted to actually say, I just said OK.

So, almost a year had past. What has happened to us? Few calls once in awhile with some sms-es in between. Few I miss you's were exchanged with a joke here and there.

Then the bombshell. 2 weeks ago, after a concerned conversation, he told me he's getting married next year.

......

And what did I say in reply? "Congrats!" "I'm so happy for you!"

:'(

Yes I know. Stupid me. But what else should I had said?

So, I told myself that it's ok. It was never meant to be between us. And I continued on with my happy face plastered outside, not knowing what else I should do or say.

But, are you ready for another Earth-shattering news?

When I couldn't take it any more, I turned to my old bestie, who happened to be friends with the old-flame guy. I told her that I didn't know that we were supposed to stop being spontaneous until he told me that he's getting married. :'( Guess what she told me ...

She asked, getting married? To whom? 'Coz a few weeks ago, he just broke up with one of her friends. She din tell me anything about them being together because she thought there was nothing happening between us.

So, all this while he was in a relationship with another? That was all I could think of.

What did I do to deserve all this?

I give up.

MY PERFECT NIGHTMARE

:: Another 30th. *sigh* Keep trying to erase that number but I can't ::

Finally! I've found a song that says exactly what I felt. Haha.

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Lyrics

Sometimes we fight, sometimes I cry
Why don't I just tell him goodbye
Sometimes I should, but sometimes I don't
Build up the strength to say that it's wrong
Sometimes I hate, sometimes I love
Sometimes I hurt, sometimes I don't
Sometimes I wait for him to change
But it's okay I've disguised the pain (yeah)

And I don't ever wanna leave him alone
They say I'm brain washed

But I'm in love with this man (yeahhh)


Keep telling myself that its not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream

No way, no way, no way,

No way, no way, no way, no way
But if it's from you I dont mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect nightmare

Sometimes I keep it cool, sometimes I let him know

Sometimes I even pack my bags to walk out the door
Sometimes I feel safe, sometimes I really don't
Sometimes I promise that I'm ready to let him go

But I don't ever wanna leave him alone

They say I'm brain washed

But I'm in love with this man (ooooh)

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream

No way, no way, no way,

No way, no way, no way, no way

But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect nightmare

Hoping he's changing, but I'm scared he's not
Can't see a way to leave, help me open my eyes

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect

Keep telling myself that it's not worth it (no way)
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting (don't mind hurting)
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream

No way, no way, no way,
No way, no way, no way, no way
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect nightmare

No way, no way, no way,
No way, no way, no way, no way
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare, perfect nightmare

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Finally!

Especially the chorus:

"Keep telling myself that its not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare"

Dream on, dream on ..

:: Midnight blues ::

What should I do? Why do I keep on having these feelings?

Feelings as if I don't belong here anymore.

There's always this sense of uneasiness.

*sigh*

You make me happy, you make me sad.

You're the reason for my laughters, and also for my tears.

When I'm with you I am calm and content.

Yet in the same time , you'd start a mini storm inside of me.

I'm so clueless.

What should I do?

Adaka patut ***** padah mun aku cium XX lak mulut aku kembang esok harinya? Sedih aku nya padah aku camya. Aku sik pernah pun minta apa2 jaik terjadi kat nya. Bila nya sakit gik aku risau, salu wish nya cepat sembuh. Tapi kenak nya padah camya kat aku pulang? Sedih aku. Dala mok anta 'benda' ya datang sebab takut aku polah benda pelik. Perlukah? Ya aku sik suka mun ada melibatkan 'benda2' camya. Sik suka alu jak aku. Psycho alu jak. Sedih eh aku. Jangan jak aku mimpi buruk lagi malam tok. Tapi cgek la aku heran. Kenak nya takut alu aku akan buat apa2 dgn XX sampe pelu padah camya? Aku rasa bukan aku yang nya pelu takut. 'Coz ada sorang yang lain gik. :'( Leave me alone bah..

*sigh*

What should I do?

FML

*gasp*

I don't know why but lately I've been having really really bad dreams. Recently it had gotten worse. Huhu. I know before this I've had bad dreams before but it is usually about some one else. This time my dreams (or should I say nightmare) is all about me. Sometimes the dream would be really bad that I'd wake up gasping for air, sometimes even crying.

I don't really remember all of my dreams or even every details of the dreams I had. But I knew there was one thing in common for all of those dreams. ***** was always in those dreams. My friends said that I was thinking too much. But sometimes, those dreams would come even when I had not a single thought of ***** the whole day.

Few weeks ago, I dreamt that when I return to my room after classes, I found that my room had been ransacked. Everything was in disorder. Across the wall in red paints were the words 'Perempuan Keji' and so on. While I was cleaning up my room, I received a message from ***** asking me whether I liked her little artwork.

Last week, I dreamt that I was running as hard as I can 'coz ***** was chasing after me while waving around a parang. ***** kept on screaming at me to leave XX and her alone and that I should just mind my own business. Do you know how scary it felt? No matter how hard I ran, ***** was always a few steps behind me.

Few days ago, I dreamt that I was tied onto a chair while ***** and her family stood around me. Then one by one, they started to slapped me in the face. While they slapped me, they kept on saying that they doing this 'coz I deserved it. That's what I get for disturbing ***** relationship with XX. Even the little niece slapped and scratched me. The pain I felt in that dream felt so real that when I woke up, I checked my arms and legs expecting to see scratch marks left there.

Last night was the worse dream of it all. I was being chopped, alive. *sobsob* It was terrible. ***** was standing there, looking at me with malice reflecting in her eyes. In her hand was an axe (sounds like any ordinary horror movie right. Not funny.). She kept on saying over and over again that I was a hypocrite. That I should have stayed away from XX and just leave the both of them to be. I should have minded my own business and erase XX from my mind. And while ***** was saying all of this, she began to chop of my hands, SLOWLY. Then my feet. Then she dragged a blunt knife over my neck, drawing blood from the shallow wound. She said that I should just bleed to death. That dream seemed so real that when I woke up, my pillow was wet from tears. Luckily I didn't cried out loud or else I would have a hard time explaining my dreams to my room mate. But the pain, ow the pain. I cannot find the words to describe the pain I felt. Hurts even more than a heartache. :( Lets just say I hope to never feel such pain in reality.

Now, I'm afraid of *****. I know that she did not really do any of those stuff, nor will she ever do it in reality. But I cannot deny, I am afraid of *****.

What should I do?

Please, please, please go away silly unrealistic bad dreams. :'(

p/s: Saya ada cuci kaki sebelum tidur ok?

No one's really listening.

:'(

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Lyrics

She had a smile that could light up the room in seconds

I got lost in her blue eyes in conversation
And she told me her dreams and she trusted in me for hours
I held her hand and whispered away my secrets

Nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
And no one's really listening
Too blinded by the glare to ever stop and care
Yeah, no one's really there when you need them
So hold on to who you are
'Cause nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
Just falling stars on silver screens

She had a smile that could light up the room in seconds
With tears after midnight, she told me she lost direction
While the world was asleep, she was up telling me it was over
I held her tight for a moment and I was speechless

Nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
And no one's really listening
Too blinded by the glare to ever stop and care
Yeah, no one's really there when you need them
So hold on to who you are
'Cause nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
Just falling stars on silver screens

Last thing I heard, she became a star
Followed her dream, she followed her heart
She left a message in the middle of July
Said you were right and I realized

Nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
And no one's really listening
Too blinded by the glare to ever stop and care
Yeah, no one's really there when you need them

So blinded by the glare to ever stop and care
Yeah, no one's really there when you need them
So hold on to who you are
'Cause nothing's like it seems, it's all a make believe
Just falling stars on silver screens

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:'(

Dootdoo dootdootdoo~~

:)

I went to someplace special to me today. Been quite sometimes since I last went there. Brings back special memories. Was kinda sad, yet happy in the same time. Haha.

Can we go back there on the 30th of August 2011?

I will do anything I can to be there, will you?

Btw, my sis came to Miri on Saturday. Even though I only spent like 2 hours with her, it felt like home. I miss her already. Mei, why can't you stay longer? Then I can do more many activities with you. Next time 'kay?

Better go to bed now.

:)